Last week, I saw several Facebook status's that read "Me too". Every "me too" had a story behind it. Feelings....experiences...memories. As a couple of my friends went to visit a shelter set up for recovering victims of sex trafficking, I thought of all the "me too's" that were there. I can clearly remember my "me too" moments. The thing that I liked best about this campaign is that it allowed those who would have never otherwise said anything, to voice their experience. It takes courage. Vulnerability. All too often we want to keep our "me too" moments tucked away, but there are times when freedom comes with those two little words.
Tonight, I sat with two friends. One of them is going through a very rough time in life. As my other friend was trying to encourage her, she commented something along the lines of, "I can think of several times when I have felt with this way". What really triggered my attention was when she said, "Me too". How many times have we been in situations where our thoughts are "Me too"
Feeling empty and although you have nothing left to offer the world.....me too
Being so bitter than it seems like only hatred spews out......me too
Feeling alone in a world full of friends, acquaintances, and loved ones....me too
Being looked down upon because you have a certain opinion or viewpoint.....me too
Looking at your spouse and wondering why in the world you married them.....me too
Being gossiped about...me too
Looking in the mirror horrified at what you have become or the situation you are in....me too
Feeling like a failure and that you can't seem to get any area of your life together.... me too
Knowing what you want to do, but only doing what you hate.....me too
Being made fun of....me too
Being manipulated or controlled....me too
Being so overwhelmed and out of control you don't know which way is up...me too
The list could go on and on. No situation is the same, but we can relate to the feelings that others have. We can relate to their experiences. Sometimes, if we allow them to, these "me too" moments can bring us together as victims. Victims in the sense of now we can throw pity parties for each other, recounting all the horrible things that have happened to us. Victims in the sense of recounting all that we have missed out on and all that the world should owe us. If we really want our "me too" moments to mean something, have them bring us together into "Me too. It sucked. Let me walk through your me too moment with you" Let us have our "me too" moments bring us together to make us stronger. While we don't all share the same moments (hallelujah!), we are probably all connected by something. Let us have our "me too" moments help us to not become victims of our circumstances, but victors over the darkness we each experience. In all of our "me too" moments we have the opportunity to grow and become stronger and most importantly be there for those who need to know they aren't alone.
Finally, don't forget about those other "Me too" moments we need to share together:
That proud feeling you get when your kid makes the right choice when you weren't around to make them; when they chose to do it all on their own....me too
That ooey, mushy feeling that just makes you smile when you look at the one you married and can't imagine how you got to be so lucky.....me too
When you realize how loved you are by someone who decided that the world would be a better place with you in it....me too
The feeling you get when you give just a little of yourself to make someone else's day brighter...me too
When your stomach hurts from laughing with friends....me too
When you made it through the day and that was your biggest accomplishment....me too
Saturday, October 21, 2017
Saturday, January 14, 2017
French New Year
It has been a while since I have blogged anything. Nothing better than to share our 2016 New Year Eve with you! As a reminder, our New Year Eve tradition is to pick a country to learn about and complete different activities based off of that country. We then celebrate New Year's when that country would. Last year, the kids had picked France for the country we would celebrate, but unfortunately, we missed being able to participate because we were at Brad's Grandpa's funeral :( We promised the kids that we would do France this year. So here is the recap!
Brad started the morning off by preparing cream filled crepes with a blackberry sauce. I hate breakfast, but stole a bite and declared it delicious!
Brad started the morning off by preparing cream filled crepes with a blackberry sauce. I hate breakfast, but stole a bite and declared it delicious!
We learned that in France, they don't send out Christmas cards, but New Year's cards. So each of the kids picked a friend they hadn't seen in a while, and sent them a New Year's greeting.
For the next activity, I was very thankful for my engineering husband. I had seen this great picture on Pinterest where the creator took wafer cookies and modeled the Eiffel Tower. We could do that right?? Uh, it almost because a Pinterst fail. Well, the second picture is Matthew's tower that lasted about a whole 2 seconds before falling! I didn't complete mine past the first layer.Brad was the success story and he assisted Anna in completing hers.
Normally, we color the flag of the country, but Anna realized that the colors we chose for our frosting were in the French flag so she decided to frosting color her flag :)
Next we glanced through some non-fiction books about France to learn more about the culture, geography, and history. Then we read "Beauty and the Beast". In the picture below, you can see the books we read.
Our next activity was to a short biography about Coco Chanel and then the kids had to design their own outfits.
One of my favorite artistic time periods was the Impressionist Era. So, of course we had to learn about Claude Monet and create our own masterpieces! One of Claude's fascinations was with bridges, so we taped a bridge design and then used our fingers to paint the landscape. Obviously, I am the rebellious one and had to do my own thing :P If you wanted to see the gorgeous finished paintings, I guess you will have to come visit me as I forgot to take after pictures! All of us agreed that that was a fun project.
France is seven hours ahead of us, so we celebrated New Year's with sparkling apple-peach cider at 5 PM! Happy New Year!
For dinner, we had a four course meal. Our first course of a mozzarella and tomato salad is not technically French. However, I was able to justify serving one of my favorite things when I read that the French do eat this on a regular basis! Next, we had parmesan encrusted tilapia with a side of ratatouille and rice. Next, Brad excitedly whipped up a creme brule. He received a torch for Christmas and was anxious to try it out! We ate these courses while watching one of our favorite movies, Ratatouille. As the night worn on, we ate our final course of cheese and fruit. The kids got to try Munster cheese, Gouda Cheese, and Brie.
That completed out French New Year. The kids also received a book to share...Geronimo Stilton an the Mystery in Paris. They loved it!
We did also start a new tradition and work on an old one. I found these black balls at Target this year. I saw on Pinterest where you write down fun memories each year on the ball and then it becomes an ornament. Each of us picked two things that happened in our year and wrote them down. Another of our old traditions is to cut out a copy of our hands and then write down a verse we want to focus on for the year.
I am wishing you all a Happy and Blessed New Year!
Sunday, January 11, 2015
Japanese New Year
I love finding traditions that the whole family enjoys. As a reminder, our New Year's Eve tradition is to pick a country and we do crafts, activities, and eat food that represents that country. We forgot to this year, but we also plan on celebrating the New Year when that country would celebrate it. For our second annual New Years Eve tradition, Anna chose Japan as the country to celebrate. I don't feel that I did as good coming up with great adventures for the kids to go on learning about Japan, but we still had a good time :) I was very thankful that a friend living in Japan sent me some good sites about different Japanese New Year traditions.
For breakfast, we learned that Japanese families often have eggs, sausage, and toast. We had leftover sausage rolls and scrambled eggs. Close enough and it was delicious!
The kids then colored the Japanese flag and learned that the red center stands for the sun. We then had a great time making cherry blossom trees using markers and pink tissue paper. Anna and I agreed that they are one of the most beautiful trees we have seen. As the kids were creating their masterpieces, I flipped through a book on Japan and gave them interesting little tidbits about this little country.
By this time Brad reminded me that the kids have little Japanese happy coats which we had to go put on! Both the kids looked so cute!
Our next project was making fans. I was thankful my mother-in-law was there to glue the sticks to make the fans! The favorite project of the day was learning to write "Happiness" "Peace" and "Love" in Japanese! We also wrote our names. Japanese writing is beautiful and we all agreed that it looks daunting to learn!
Matthew's Japanese writing paper has mysteriously disappeared but he did a fantastic job!
One Japanese New Year tradition we thought the kids would enjoy is called otoshidama. Otoshidama is the tradition of giving a small gift, usually money, to show appreciation to children. Brad and I decorate envelopes and gave the kids each $1. (Brad drew a fantastic truck on the front of Matthew's envelope and a monster face on the back. I drew a heart on the front of Anna's and flowers, smiley faces, and stars on the back.)
The last project for this year was creating an origami jumping frog. It was super easy to do and actually jumps!
We played a game where you throw a ball (supposed to be a bean bag) up in the air and try to catch it. Then you throw two balls up in the air and try to catch them. You keep going until you can't catch all the balls before they hit the ground. The record at our house.....two balls! I will admit that I didn't really want to pick Japan as the country this year because I didn't really want to cook Japanese. My wise husband convinced me to do it promising we could go to a Japanese steakhouse. We went to Oishii Sushi and Steakhouse. It was delicious and the perfect hibachi cook was there. He was perfect because he didn't light a big flame at the beginning which the kids and I hate! Here, Anna and I both found a sushi that we enjoyed. This is a first as both of us gag any other time we have eaten sushi! Some traditions that we didn't do, but I thought would have been cool, were eating noodles (long noodles represents long life), eating KFC (apparently this is a big New Year's tradition in Japan) and listening to Beethoven's 9th symphony.
For breakfast, we learned that Japanese families often have eggs, sausage, and toast. We had leftover sausage rolls and scrambled eggs. Close enough and it was delicious!
The kids then colored the Japanese flag and learned that the red center stands for the sun. We then had a great time making cherry blossom trees using markers and pink tissue paper. Anna and I agreed that they are one of the most beautiful trees we have seen. As the kids were creating their masterpieces, I flipped through a book on Japan and gave them interesting little tidbits about this little country.
By this time Brad reminded me that the kids have little Japanese happy coats which we had to go put on! Both the kids looked so cute!
Our next project was making fans. I was thankful my mother-in-law was there to glue the sticks to make the fans! The favorite project of the day was learning to write "Happiness" "Peace" and "Love" in Japanese! We also wrote our names. Japanese writing is beautiful and we all agreed that it looks daunting to learn!
Matthew's Japanese writing paper has mysteriously disappeared but he did a fantastic job!
One Japanese New Year tradition we thought the kids would enjoy is called otoshidama. Otoshidama is the tradition of giving a small gift, usually money, to show appreciation to children. Brad and I decorate envelopes and gave the kids each $1. (Brad drew a fantastic truck on the front of Matthew's envelope and a monster face on the back. I drew a heart on the front of Anna's and flowers, smiley faces, and stars on the back.)
The last project for this year was creating an origami jumping frog. It was super easy to do and actually jumps!
We played a game where you throw a ball (supposed to be a bean bag) up in the air and try to catch it. Then you throw two balls up in the air and try to catch them. You keep going until you can't catch all the balls before they hit the ground. The record at our house.....two balls! I will admit that I didn't really want to pick Japan as the country this year because I didn't really want to cook Japanese. My wise husband convinced me to do it promising we could go to a Japanese steakhouse. We went to Oishii Sushi and Steakhouse. It was delicious and the perfect hibachi cook was there. He was perfect because he didn't light a big flame at the beginning which the kids and I hate! Here, Anna and I both found a sushi that we enjoyed. This is a first as both of us gag any other time we have eaten sushi! Some traditions that we didn't do, but I thought would have been cool, were eating noodles (long noodles represents long life), eating KFC (apparently this is a big New Year's tradition in Japan) and listening to Beethoven's 9th symphony.
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Why I hate to cry
I'm grouchy and tired this morning. That should be a hint to not write a blog, but I feel like it would help sooth the soul a little to write out my feelings. Growing up, I remember crying. I don't know that I would say I cried often. I know that I rarely cried in movies (although I bawled through the movie Pearl Harbor) and I did cry in a few books. Most of the time it would just be out of frustration. Somehow, when I was pregnant with Anna it opened up the floodgates so that now I can tear up at a commercial. The short videos at church always get to me. So annoying!
I've compiled a list of reasons why I abhor crying. They are in order from the least to the most important reason.
1) It hurts. After I have cried, I end up with a headache, my eyes hurt from trying to not cry, the bridge of my nose aches for some reason, and I am generally exhausted. Also, the physical side effects are not pleasant either.....puffy red eyes and a red splotchy face. Real attractive.
2) It is awkward. I have seen pictures of people with tears streaming down their face and it is beautiful. It can be moving. The reality is though that normally, crying isn't beautiful. It may be moving because one can empathize or sympathize with the person. For me the awkwardness comes in how to deal with someone crying. I don't know whether you are supposed to hug them, get them tissues, ignore the fact they are crying, look away, etc. And if I'm crying it goes awkward because people feel like they need to hug me and I certainly don't like that. I prefer the ignore. However, every once in a while it would be nice to have a hug, but I can't tell you how to tell the difference between when you are supposed to ignore and when to hug.
3) It makes me feel vulnerable. Anyone who knows me knows that I love control. Although I find it to be a fault of mine, I thrive being independent and tough. I hate showing weakness. In my twisted head, I believe that if I cry I'm showing weakness but if say my husband would ever cry, I would think that was him being strong enough to do that. I think I fear if I show weakness people will look down on me or not trust that I am able to do things. Part of this comes from a person I went to high school with. She was a sensitive person and if she cried people would feel bad for her. Although I'm sure she didn't try to use that to manipulate people, it felt like that sometimes and my perception of her was that she was weak. I am afraid of being put in that same category. I try my best to not even cry in front of Brad or the kids. I know they see me sometimes, but I try my best to turn away, blink real fast, go to another room, or shoo them away. Our pastor taught us a neat trick of when you feel like you are going to cry, gag. I tested it out and it works although it looks pretty ridiculous if you aren't careful! I struggle because I don't want Anna and Matthew to think that there is anything wrong with crying, but at the same time I don't want them to be crybabies. Crying I'm sure is therapeutic. And I'm certainly not saying people shouldn't.
4) It doesn't fix a damn thing. I'm not a proponent of cussing normally, but sometimes it just states exactly what you are thinking. In the last day I have shed some tears and it has brought back memories. When I was little, we were eating dinner at a local restaurant. Another girl about my age rolled in on a wheelchair. I couldn't stop crying. My heart broke that she would have to deal with that. I don't believe in any way shape or form that she is broken or not as good or anything.....I just know she would face difficulties because of that. My crying did nothing but probably make the situation weird. In high school, one Sunday I just woke up crying and couldn't stop. I couldn't place my finger on what made me cry. I wasn't sad, frustrated, happy, anything. The tears just flowed. Yesterday tears clouded my eyes because we found out that one of Brad's high school football buddies died. I don't know why it bugged me so much. Matt, the friend, and his wife were Brad's friends. I knew them and liked them because they were kind, both have beautiful smiles, sweet, etc. I have memories of these two small guys playing linemen (I think) and do a fantastic job of it. I'm sad that he died but I think the tears come more for his wife. My heart breaks for her. I often worry about things that have a slim chance of ever happening. One of them is that Brad would suddenly die and what the heck would I do. That is her reality. She just lost the love of her life. She went from a coparent to a single parent overnight. She lost what I suppose was her rock, the breadwinner, support, friend. How do you not hate God. I realize that hundreds of other women are in her same shoes. I hate that my agony and tears over her situation does absolutely nothing to help her. She will never know my sympathy. The tears would not comfort. They are just streams of wasted water.
I've compiled a list of reasons why I abhor crying. They are in order from the least to the most important reason.
1) It hurts. After I have cried, I end up with a headache, my eyes hurt from trying to not cry, the bridge of my nose aches for some reason, and I am generally exhausted. Also, the physical side effects are not pleasant either.....puffy red eyes and a red splotchy face. Real attractive.
2) It is awkward. I have seen pictures of people with tears streaming down their face and it is beautiful. It can be moving. The reality is though that normally, crying isn't beautiful. It may be moving because one can empathize or sympathize with the person. For me the awkwardness comes in how to deal with someone crying. I don't know whether you are supposed to hug them, get them tissues, ignore the fact they are crying, look away, etc. And if I'm crying it goes awkward because people feel like they need to hug me and I certainly don't like that. I prefer the ignore. However, every once in a while it would be nice to have a hug, but I can't tell you how to tell the difference between when you are supposed to ignore and when to hug.
3) It makes me feel vulnerable. Anyone who knows me knows that I love control. Although I find it to be a fault of mine, I thrive being independent and tough. I hate showing weakness. In my twisted head, I believe that if I cry I'm showing weakness but if say my husband would ever cry, I would think that was him being strong enough to do that. I think I fear if I show weakness people will look down on me or not trust that I am able to do things. Part of this comes from a person I went to high school with. She was a sensitive person and if she cried people would feel bad for her. Although I'm sure she didn't try to use that to manipulate people, it felt like that sometimes and my perception of her was that she was weak. I am afraid of being put in that same category. I try my best to not even cry in front of Brad or the kids. I know they see me sometimes, but I try my best to turn away, blink real fast, go to another room, or shoo them away. Our pastor taught us a neat trick of when you feel like you are going to cry, gag. I tested it out and it works although it looks pretty ridiculous if you aren't careful! I struggle because I don't want Anna and Matthew to think that there is anything wrong with crying, but at the same time I don't want them to be crybabies. Crying I'm sure is therapeutic. And I'm certainly not saying people shouldn't.
4) It doesn't fix a damn thing. I'm not a proponent of cussing normally, but sometimes it just states exactly what you are thinking. In the last day I have shed some tears and it has brought back memories. When I was little, we were eating dinner at a local restaurant. Another girl about my age rolled in on a wheelchair. I couldn't stop crying. My heart broke that she would have to deal with that. I don't believe in any way shape or form that she is broken or not as good or anything.....I just know she would face difficulties because of that. My crying did nothing but probably make the situation weird. In high school, one Sunday I just woke up crying and couldn't stop. I couldn't place my finger on what made me cry. I wasn't sad, frustrated, happy, anything. The tears just flowed. Yesterday tears clouded my eyes because we found out that one of Brad's high school football buddies died. I don't know why it bugged me so much. Matt, the friend, and his wife were Brad's friends. I knew them and liked them because they were kind, both have beautiful smiles, sweet, etc. I have memories of these two small guys playing linemen (I think) and do a fantastic job of it. I'm sad that he died but I think the tears come more for his wife. My heart breaks for her. I often worry about things that have a slim chance of ever happening. One of them is that Brad would suddenly die and what the heck would I do. That is her reality. She just lost the love of her life. She went from a coparent to a single parent overnight. She lost what I suppose was her rock, the breadwinner, support, friend. How do you not hate God. I realize that hundreds of other women are in her same shoes. I hate that my agony and tears over her situation does absolutely nothing to help her. She will never know my sympathy. The tears would not comfort. They are just streams of wasted water.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Our Italian New Year's
I'm all about stealing other people's fantastic ideas. Some time ago I noticed a pin and can't even tell you exactly what it said but what I got out of it was the birth of our New Year's tradition. Each year we will pick a country, learn a little bit about that country, do some activities representing the country, and eat food from that country. On our way home from CO, we picked Italy. There is nothing like waiting till the last minute!! Monday I dashed to the library to pick up some books and I scoured the Internet for ideas. Here are a few pictures to help tell what we ended up doing.
This is most of the ingredients we used to create our Italian New Years.
Here Anna and Matthew are coloring a picture of the Italian Flag. They also colored a picture of the Mona Lisa.
Brad made homemade ravioli, I made a Bolognese sauce, salad, bread, Italian sodas, homemade baked mozzarella sticks, and Brad made Fruitta del Sol. Of course you need to enjoy such phenomenal food with great friends! We did a red tablecloth, green plates, and white silverware to represent the Italian colors.
On New Years the kids choose a few items to donate. In Italy, they items out their windows so represent getting rid of the old to welcome the new. We read a book about a famous Italian cat named Nini (true or not I don't know). Anna was excited that the cat in the book was white and the cats on her dress were white as well :P Next we glanced through a book that went through the culture of Italy. Then we played bingo (in the picture). Italians play a game similar to bingo.
We listened to a fictional story about Vivaldi. In this story they were celebrating Carnival. So, we used feathers and sequins to decorate masks and wands.
Brad went to watch a Husker's game at a friend's house so the kids and I spontaneously decided to make pizzas. We made them on tortillas (which I have been wanting to try). They were delicious. I had a fantastic helper who seemed to enjoy tasting more than working!
Finally, we learned about Michelangelo and the fact that he had to lie on his back to pain the Sistine Chapel. The kids got a small experience of that! Anna painted a Valentine's picture and Matthew painted a blue robot and some circles.
We had a blast with this new tradition! I can't wait to discover what country we will pick next year!
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Brad
I haven't blogged in a long time....I hope I remember how! I have been in a slump because there just hasn't been anything lately that I have enough passion to write about. Yes my kids have been funny and have completed some great accomplishments and if you want to hear about them I am more than happy to tell. We have had some fun times, which again I would love to tell you about but didn't feel like blogging about. My lack of blogging has popped up into conversations a few times lately and the only topic that has continuously come to mind was my husband. So, today I'm going to write about Brad.
I have written before about our "love" story if you want to call it that so I won't bore with those details. Really, I can sum everything up in one line......I love my husband. I'm very proud to say that after being married 7+ years and knowing each other for 14+. That isn't a very long time in some senses (my grandparents were married for 50+years...a goal we hope to accomplish). But considering that statistically the average length of a marriage is 7-8 years we are doing great.
Brad is far from perfect. Our marriage has not always been one to write home about. In fact, at one point in time if you would have given us divorce papers we would have willingly signed without a second thought. Sometimes we feel more like roommates than a married couple. There is always something to work on in our marriage. But, this is what we have learned. Every day you have to CHOOSE to love the other person. As my grandma says "you have to make allowances for one another".
With all this being said, my husband has many great qualities. He is a hard worker. Proof of this is in the fact that he has gotten several positive recommendations at work from his bosses and those that work with him. He has moved up levels very quickly. When he is assigned a project he works to do his best. He is a faithful provider for our family.
I appreciate that he is smart with our money. When we first got married we had very different views of money, debt, and budgeting. He came around to my side to save our marriage he says :P I appreciate that he thinks about our financial future for ourselves and for the kids. We work well at balancing each other out with money. When I want to spend on things that are a waste he talks me out of it and vice versa.
I appreciate how he has grown as a dad. I love that he is willing to take Anna on dates (and Matthew too just hasn't had many opportunities yet). When he comes home in the afternoon he is ambushed by the kiddos. They adore him. He has their respect and they know if they are in trouble with him then it is serious. At the same time they are able to have fun with him. They love to wrestle with him. One of my favorite things is to come out and find them all cuddling on the couch and each of them reading a book.
I appreciate how he deals with me. I can be a handful most of the time. I honestly don't know how he puts up with me. For sure I was the one that married up. When I start to freak out over things, he calms me down. When I get overwhelmed, he can sit down with me and help me sort things into smaller more manageable goals. He is a great encourager and supports me in whatever I'm involved with. When we disagree about something he is willingly to think about the other side. When he gets angry at me, he is quick to forgive and apologize. He doesn't hold grudges. I tend to get involved with things and drag him in too and he does it. He puts up with me talking all the time even when he is bored out of his mind. He is willing to play games with me even though he hates playing games. He is an amazing breakfast cook and a great dessert maker. He is my rock and security blanket. He is able to make me laugh. I enjoy sitting with him and holding his hand.
I don't know how I was lucky enough to end up with my guy. I am so blessed to be on this journey of life with him. I genuinely look forward to spending years and years with Brad. I enjoy daydreaming about our future together.
I have written before about our "love" story if you want to call it that so I won't bore with those details. Really, I can sum everything up in one line......I love my husband. I'm very proud to say that after being married 7+ years and knowing each other for 14+. That isn't a very long time in some senses (my grandparents were married for 50+years...a goal we hope to accomplish). But considering that statistically the average length of a marriage is 7-8 years we are doing great.
Brad is far from perfect. Our marriage has not always been one to write home about. In fact, at one point in time if you would have given us divorce papers we would have willingly signed without a second thought. Sometimes we feel more like roommates than a married couple. There is always something to work on in our marriage. But, this is what we have learned. Every day you have to CHOOSE to love the other person. As my grandma says "you have to make allowances for one another".
With all this being said, my husband has many great qualities. He is a hard worker. Proof of this is in the fact that he has gotten several positive recommendations at work from his bosses and those that work with him. He has moved up levels very quickly. When he is assigned a project he works to do his best. He is a faithful provider for our family.
I appreciate that he is smart with our money. When we first got married we had very different views of money, debt, and budgeting. He came around to my side to save our marriage he says :P I appreciate that he thinks about our financial future for ourselves and for the kids. We work well at balancing each other out with money. When I want to spend on things that are a waste he talks me out of it and vice versa.
I appreciate how he has grown as a dad. I love that he is willing to take Anna on dates (and Matthew too just hasn't had many opportunities yet). When he comes home in the afternoon he is ambushed by the kiddos. They adore him. He has their respect and they know if they are in trouble with him then it is serious. At the same time they are able to have fun with him. They love to wrestle with him. One of my favorite things is to come out and find them all cuddling on the couch and each of them reading a book.
I appreciate how he deals with me. I can be a handful most of the time. I honestly don't know how he puts up with me. For sure I was the one that married up. When I start to freak out over things, he calms me down. When I get overwhelmed, he can sit down with me and help me sort things into smaller more manageable goals. He is a great encourager and supports me in whatever I'm involved with. When we disagree about something he is willingly to think about the other side. When he gets angry at me, he is quick to forgive and apologize. He doesn't hold grudges. I tend to get involved with things and drag him in too and he does it. He puts up with me talking all the time even when he is bored out of his mind. He is willing to play games with me even though he hates playing games. He is an amazing breakfast cook and a great dessert maker. He is my rock and security blanket. He is able to make me laugh. I enjoy sitting with him and holding his hand.
I don't know how I was lucky enough to end up with my guy. I am so blessed to be on this journey of life with him. I genuinely look forward to spending years and years with Brad. I enjoy daydreaming about our future together.
Friday, January 11, 2013
Love changes all
As I got dressed in a purple t-shirt today, I realized that my daughter has changed me. I enjoy dressing comfortably (another word for sloppy :P) without many frills and in the basic colors of black, green, or blue paired with a pair of jeans or yoga pants. I own a few pairs of high heels but rarely use them. I prefer chacos or clogs (or my new Converse sneakers....so comfy!!).On the other hand, my daughter is the complete opposite. Although there are days were she can be found in a pair of sweats, they are few and far between. She loves pink, purple, sparkles, frills, dresses, nice shoes, and accessories. That certainly was not taught by me....it is all her. As the years have gone by, I find myself inserting frills in my shirts, adding a touch of pink or purple to my wardrobe, and heaven forbid wearing a necklace every once in a while. When I go shopping my eyes go straight for the things she likes and I find that there are several things we can both agree on. My tastes have changed because I love her and want to make her happy.
I was thinking how my love for Anna changed something about me. Isn't that how it is supposed to work? Our love for our spouse/significant other should change us. Our love for God should mold us into a new being. Our love for a friend may make us do something different. The love my kids have for me should change them. Now I'm not suggesting we forget who we are and that we should let someone else make us be something we aren't. I'm suggesting that we put someone else before us. It is easy to do that with kids as there is that supernatural thing that sparks inside you to see life differently. But how easy is it to be upset with my husband because he doesn't show interest in my love for something I found on Pinterest but caring less that I have no interest in the Cornhuskers or in football in general. If I loved God, wouldn't it not be too much to set aside 10 minutes a day to spend time visiting with Him not letting my mind wander to the worries of the day. If I loved my kids isn't it worth it to choose to use the patience I have been given to take a breath and redirect their energy instead of sitting in a chair yelling at them. Love can make you be a better person, you just have to decide that you will let it.
I was thinking how my love for Anna changed something about me. Isn't that how it is supposed to work? Our love for our spouse/significant other should change us. Our love for God should mold us into a new being. Our love for a friend may make us do something different. The love my kids have for me should change them. Now I'm not suggesting we forget who we are and that we should let someone else make us be something we aren't. I'm suggesting that we put someone else before us. It is easy to do that with kids as there is that supernatural thing that sparks inside you to see life differently. But how easy is it to be upset with my husband because he doesn't show interest in my love for something I found on Pinterest but caring less that I have no interest in the Cornhuskers or in football in general. If I loved God, wouldn't it not be too much to set aside 10 minutes a day to spend time visiting with Him not letting my mind wander to the worries of the day. If I loved my kids isn't it worth it to choose to use the patience I have been given to take a breath and redirect their energy instead of sitting in a chair yelling at them. Love can make you be a better person, you just have to decide that you will let it.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Speak into being
With the many hours of traveling that Brad and I have done over the last two weeks, we have had plenty of time to sit down an make goals for 2013. The list is long, includes "to be done by" dates, and has created quite a few projects for our family. In making the list it reminded me of something that I wholeheartedly believe.
I believe that you can speak things into being. Can I speak everything on my list into being? No, I probably won't even be able to do half of it (see, I'm speaking something into being there...oops). Can I speak some of into being.....I believe so.
One of the biggest areas I see speaking things into being is with relationships. I can look at my darling Matthew who is about to turn two. I can look at him and say "Oh boy. We are entering into the terrible twos. I can't wait for this trying time to be over. You are going to be a mess." I pretty much just said that he is going to be horrible and I'm not going to enjoy it. Well, if I say that then I probably have that attitude and it probably won't be great. However, I could look at this little boy and say "We are going to go through some trials, but I will love you through them all. You will develop new skills and learn so much about becoming your own little person. I will enjoy growing with you." I admitted that there will be some trying times, but I chose to look at it with a positive outlook and by doing that I am proclaiming that it will be good. If every time I get discouraged I quickly remind myself about my attitude then I can make the best of the situation. The same goes with my relationship with Anna, Brad, and whoever else or whatever else I'm involved with.
I think we would be amazed at what we speak into being. For the positive and the negative. I wonder how our outlook would change if we focused on what we spoke into being. As 2013 quickly approaches, I am announcing that I will do my best to speak blessings over my household and all those that my life comes in contact with. I will speak good things into being. When I fail, I will learn and try again. Bring it on!
I believe that you can speak things into being. Can I speak everything on my list into being? No, I probably won't even be able to do half of it (see, I'm speaking something into being there...oops). Can I speak some of into being.....I believe so.
One of the biggest areas I see speaking things into being is with relationships. I can look at my darling Matthew who is about to turn two. I can look at him and say "Oh boy. We are entering into the terrible twos. I can't wait for this trying time to be over. You are going to be a mess." I pretty much just said that he is going to be horrible and I'm not going to enjoy it. Well, if I say that then I probably have that attitude and it probably won't be great. However, I could look at this little boy and say "We are going to go through some trials, but I will love you through them all. You will develop new skills and learn so much about becoming your own little person. I will enjoy growing with you." I admitted that there will be some trying times, but I chose to look at it with a positive outlook and by doing that I am proclaiming that it will be good. If every time I get discouraged I quickly remind myself about my attitude then I can make the best of the situation. The same goes with my relationship with Anna, Brad, and whoever else or whatever else I'm involved with.
I think we would be amazed at what we speak into being. For the positive and the negative. I wonder how our outlook would change if we focused on what we spoke into being. As 2013 quickly approaches, I am announcing that I will do my best to speak blessings over my household and all those that my life comes in contact with. I will speak good things into being. When I fail, I will learn and try again. Bring it on!
Friday, November 23, 2012
The Farm
Over the river and through the woods, to Grandmother's house we go....
That is almost our direct route to our Thanksgiving destination. Well that plus eight hours :) Brad's grandparents have a farm in KS that we go to each year for Thanksgiving. Although we would love to be able to host Thanksgiving at our house (mostly so I can do things my way....go figure:P) we are grateful for the opportunity to go each year. It adds perspective and for the time there takes you to another world. There is no cell phone service, Internet, garbage disposal, dishwasher, etc. There is one bathroom for nine people. You travel on a dirt road to the house and the closest town(ish) is around 10-15 minutes away. You are surrounded by fields and at night you fall asleep listening to the cattle and coyotes harmonize to sing you a lullaby. As I write this my nose goes up as it sounds terrible, but you know what....we love going. Anna has been counting the days til we were able to go. Months ago she was listing all things she loved about the farm.
This is the only time we are able to see his maternal grandparents and aunts and uncles. He has a sweet grandma who has Alzheimers and a grandpa who I've slowly come to like. We laugh at some of their quirks such as blaring the TV right before they take their afternoon naps or finding silverware in a cheese drawer. This trip I enjoyed seeing both my children go and hug Marjorie. It is fun to laugh at Bill's jokes and discover his humor. Marjorie and I make a great team with the dishes.
Across the road from the grandparents is one of Anna's favorite parts of the trip....Uncle Bob. She looks forward to hearing the door creak open to reveal he is there to do chores. This trip he taught her quite a few things. First, he taught her the different kinds of cows. Secondly, he helped her learn to drive. The first time he took her out he came back and commented that she needed a lot of work. By the time we left she had vastly improved. She drove Brad and I back on the 4-wheeler and kept a steady pace with the gas and kept a mostly straight line down the road. Lastly, he taught her the function of cattle. She fell in love with a cow named Petunia. She droned on about how you could tell which one was Petunia and how she could pet her. Well, Bob let is slip that Petunia was going to become steak. Anna didn't think that was such a great idea but they compromised with a deal that he would at least wait until after she left to sell off her beloved cow. That's life.... As much as she enjoys being around him, I think he enjoys being around her. One morning he walked in and called "Where's my Anna?". I'm so thankful that she has an opportunity to have these experiences.
Brad and I's favorite part is just being able to be around family. Some of my favorite things about this trip were getting to have a late night conversation with my bil, watching my children be in this environment, being able to help out even though the contributions were small, seeing positive things about people, and just getting away. I don't know how many more years we are going to get to go to the farm, but I am blessed for the times I have and look forward to the times that we have in the future.
That is almost our direct route to our Thanksgiving destination. Well that plus eight hours :) Brad's grandparents have a farm in KS that we go to each year for Thanksgiving. Although we would love to be able to host Thanksgiving at our house (mostly so I can do things my way....go figure:P) we are grateful for the opportunity to go each year. It adds perspective and for the time there takes you to another world. There is no cell phone service, Internet, garbage disposal, dishwasher, etc. There is one bathroom for nine people. You travel on a dirt road to the house and the closest town(ish) is around 10-15 minutes away. You are surrounded by fields and at night you fall asleep listening to the cattle and coyotes harmonize to sing you a lullaby. As I write this my nose goes up as it sounds terrible, but you know what....we love going. Anna has been counting the days til we were able to go. Months ago she was listing all things she loved about the farm.
This is the only time we are able to see his maternal grandparents and aunts and uncles. He has a sweet grandma who has Alzheimers and a grandpa who I've slowly come to like. We laugh at some of their quirks such as blaring the TV right before they take their afternoon naps or finding silverware in a cheese drawer. This trip I enjoyed seeing both my children go and hug Marjorie. It is fun to laugh at Bill's jokes and discover his humor. Marjorie and I make a great team with the dishes.
Across the road from the grandparents is one of Anna's favorite parts of the trip....Uncle Bob. She looks forward to hearing the door creak open to reveal he is there to do chores. This trip he taught her quite a few things. First, he taught her the different kinds of cows. Secondly, he helped her learn to drive. The first time he took her out he came back and commented that she needed a lot of work. By the time we left she had vastly improved. She drove Brad and I back on the 4-wheeler and kept a steady pace with the gas and kept a mostly straight line down the road. Lastly, he taught her the function of cattle. She fell in love with a cow named Petunia. She droned on about how you could tell which one was Petunia and how she could pet her. Well, Bob let is slip that Petunia was going to become steak. Anna didn't think that was such a great idea but they compromised with a deal that he would at least wait until after she left to sell off her beloved cow. That's life.... As much as she enjoys being around him, I think he enjoys being around her. One morning he walked in and called "Where's my Anna?". I'm so thankful that she has an opportunity to have these experiences.
Brad and I's favorite part is just being able to be around family. Some of my favorite things about this trip were getting to have a late night conversation with my bil, watching my children be in this environment, being able to help out even though the contributions were small, seeing positive things about people, and just getting away. I don't know how many more years we are going to get to go to the farm, but I am blessed for the times I have and look forward to the times that we have in the future.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Anna's First Buy
Last week Anna was filled with anticipation. She was going to make her first purchase with her own money. It was easy for her to choose what she wanted....something Mom said she wouldn't buy her....a scooter. We had gone on Craigslist and Walmart.com to look at different options. Her and I discussed the pros and cons of buying something used versus something new. She weighed her options and choose a pink and silver scooter with streamers. Now we just had to make the big trip. Thankfully for her, grandparents were in town and took her before out next trip to Walmart. They didn't have the one she had decided on, were out of stock on her second choice, but there was a was a Princess one that would do. Luckily, it ended up being the cheapest. She loves her scooter! She has worn out the sidewalks in front of our house with her riding! The funniest thing is that Matthew chases her up and down the sidewalk or follows her with his little bike :)
It is very important to Brad and I that we raise our children to have a good foundation for handling money. Personally, I believe that my parents did a great job teaching me about finances. Brad makes great financial decisions. When one of us wants to splurge the other one can reason. We are both frugal and choose not to purchase things we can't afford. The only debt we have is our house. We weigh our options carefully and try to think about our future needs instead of what would make us happy right now.
In attempting to help Anna understand the basics for financial success (according to B and J) we (and my parents) bought Anna three banks. Each of them is a Princess. She picked which Princess went with which bank. Cinderella is her savings bank, Tangled is for spending, and Belle is for tithe. (Later we will get her another one for long term savings, but in a few years). We gathered up all her money and divided it out equally. She will have a notepad for her to keep track of her saving and spending habits. Not only does this help her keep track of what she does, but it is great for math :) Our biggest issue to tackle next is that just because she has money in her spending bank it doesn't mean she has to spend it all.
It is very important to Brad and I that we raise our children to have a good foundation for handling money. Personally, I believe that my parents did a great job teaching me about finances. Brad makes great financial decisions. When one of us wants to splurge the other one can reason. We are both frugal and choose not to purchase things we can't afford. The only debt we have is our house. We weigh our options carefully and try to think about our future needs instead of what would make us happy right now.
In attempting to help Anna understand the basics for financial success (according to B and J) we (and my parents) bought Anna three banks. Each of them is a Princess. She picked which Princess went with which bank. Cinderella is her savings bank, Tangled is for spending, and Belle is for tithe. (Later we will get her another one for long term savings, but in a few years). We gathered up all her money and divided it out equally. She will have a notepad for her to keep track of her saving and spending habits. Not only does this help her keep track of what she does, but it is great for math :) Our biggest issue to tackle next is that just because she has money in her spending bank it doesn't mean she has to spend it all.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Friendships
In the last few months I have been rather sad. It has become obvious that one of my closest friendships has deteriorated. Although I'm not sure you can label a reason, I think it is just a drifting away. Losing a friend is one of the worst feelings ever. I do believe though that in different seasons of life, different people are in your life for a reason. I'm not lucky enough to have a best friend from birth. However, I have been blessed to have had several best friends throughout my lifetime. Even though we aren't close now, I still look back with positive thoughts and memories of them. They will always have a special place in my heart.
I'm not a person that needs lots of friends. I'm not that good at keeping in touch anyway so it is probably a good thing :) I am married to a wonderful friend. He is also my rock. I love traveling through life with him by my side. He balances me out often times and I think I do the same for him. My mom and I have a great friendship and she can be the tough love friend that I need and the biggest supporter of me. Those two are my best of the best friends I have. I think one thing I have learned about friendship from them is that both of them can be the people who annoy me the most, and I can be the same to them. But at the end of the day, we can get over it and the love we have for each other surpasses the anger. In high school and college, my two closest girlfriends and I had completely different views on most everything. We were able to set that aside and just enjoy each other. In my opinion, that is what a friendship should be. You should make allowances for one another. See the other person as Jesus would see them as my Grandma would say.
I have several other good friends. When I was younger I used to say that God was my best friend and then I have 27 close friends :P I never wanted to hurt anyone by saying someone was my best friend even though in my mind I probably had one. We have been talking with Anna about how she can have several best friends. She is such a social butterfly that I'm sure if she had Facebook she would be the one to have thousands of friends :P When we go to church, more people say hi to her than me!
My mom and I were talking the other day about best friends. We chatted about what we would want in a best friend and how it is lonely if you don't have one. I want to know about other people's best friends. Have you had them for a long time? What makes them your best friend? What does it mean to be a friend?
I'm not a person that needs lots of friends. I'm not that good at keeping in touch anyway so it is probably a good thing :) I am married to a wonderful friend. He is also my rock. I love traveling through life with him by my side. He balances me out often times and I think I do the same for him. My mom and I have a great friendship and she can be the tough love friend that I need and the biggest supporter of me. Those two are my best of the best friends I have. I think one thing I have learned about friendship from them is that both of them can be the people who annoy me the most, and I can be the same to them. But at the end of the day, we can get over it and the love we have for each other surpasses the anger. In high school and college, my two closest girlfriends and I had completely different views on most everything. We were able to set that aside and just enjoy each other. In my opinion, that is what a friendship should be. You should make allowances for one another. See the other person as Jesus would see them as my Grandma would say.
I have several other good friends. When I was younger I used to say that God was my best friend and then I have 27 close friends :P I never wanted to hurt anyone by saying someone was my best friend even though in my mind I probably had one. We have been talking with Anna about how she can have several best friends. She is such a social butterfly that I'm sure if she had Facebook she would be the one to have thousands of friends :P When we go to church, more people say hi to her than me!
My mom and I were talking the other day about best friends. We chatted about what we would want in a best friend and how it is lonely if you don't have one. I want to know about other people's best friends. Have you had them for a long time? What makes them your best friend? What does it mean to be a friend?
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
My new hippie love: homemade cleaner
Brad often accuses me of being a hippie. Yes, I admit that I do have many hippie tendencies that I'm quite proud of. In college, my best friend Jess got me started on recycling and it has just progressed since then. My newest form of hippism is making my own cleaner.
I have been wanting to make my own cleaner for while now. I have looked up many recipes and have a few pinned on Pinterest. However, I just couldn't make myself try any of them. What if they didn't do as good of a job? Really, can vinegar, baking soda, cream of tartar, and hydrogen peroxide do what they claim to do? The last time I was at the store I told myself that it was the last time I was going to buy a commercial multi-purpose cleaner. I really hate the smells of cleaner and when I clean I like to not have my children around so they aren't breathing the chemicals in. And I hate breathing the chemicals in. On top of those complaints, I haven't been entirely happy with recent brands I have been trying of cleaners.
While I was gone, Brad finished off my bottle of bathroom cleaner. I decided that tonight I was breaking down and making my mixture of vinegar, water, and dish soap bathroom cleaner. First, I have pink dish soap so I was very happy with the color (which is amazing since I used to adhore pink). I enjoyed that I didn't feel like my esophagus was being chemically burned and best of all I didn't mind that Matthew kept coming in and out of the bathrooms while I was cleaning (well, maybe I minded since he kept getting into everything!!). The skeptical me was still a little concerned with how the cleaner would work. And what do you know, it was great! It got off some marks that my previous bathroom cleaner couldn't get off!!! I hate to cleaning my house as most of you know, but I tonight I couldn't wait to go clean my second bathroom! In fact, I can't wait to try out more cleaners and try this one tonight on other things! Brad is already heard me rave about this cleaner four or five times tonight :P
I am definitely going to switch to using this cleaner and trying out a few other ones. I will admit though that I am still going to keep around a few commercial cleaners like Soft Scrub, Pinesol, and one other one that helps with hard water stains. But goodbye the rest of you commercial cleaners!
I have been wanting to make my own cleaner for while now. I have looked up many recipes and have a few pinned on Pinterest. However, I just couldn't make myself try any of them. What if they didn't do as good of a job? Really, can vinegar, baking soda, cream of tartar, and hydrogen peroxide do what they claim to do? The last time I was at the store I told myself that it was the last time I was going to buy a commercial multi-purpose cleaner. I really hate the smells of cleaner and when I clean I like to not have my children around so they aren't breathing the chemicals in. And I hate breathing the chemicals in. On top of those complaints, I haven't been entirely happy with recent brands I have been trying of cleaners.
While I was gone, Brad finished off my bottle of bathroom cleaner. I decided that tonight I was breaking down and making my mixture of vinegar, water, and dish soap bathroom cleaner. First, I have pink dish soap so I was very happy with the color (which is amazing since I used to adhore pink). I enjoyed that I didn't feel like my esophagus was being chemically burned and best of all I didn't mind that Matthew kept coming in and out of the bathrooms while I was cleaning (well, maybe I minded since he kept getting into everything!!). The skeptical me was still a little concerned with how the cleaner would work. And what do you know, it was great! It got off some marks that my previous bathroom cleaner couldn't get off!!! I hate to cleaning my house as most of you know, but I tonight I couldn't wait to go clean my second bathroom! In fact, I can't wait to try out more cleaners and try this one tonight on other things! Brad is already heard me rave about this cleaner four or five times tonight :P
I am definitely going to switch to using this cleaner and trying out a few other ones. I will admit though that I am still going to keep around a few commercial cleaners like Soft Scrub, Pinesol, and one other one that helps with hard water stains. But goodbye the rest of you commercial cleaners!
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Becoming an adult: The credit card
After two years of trying, I finally got my first credit card today. Yay! Why did it take two years to get a credit card you may ask...well, it was because my credit score was a 0. This is not because I racked up thousands of dollars in bills or didn't pay my bills. It was because I have never had a loan and I always pay on time and in full. It has been a battle and our banker was frustrated for us at the situation. I have always chosen not to have a credit card because it was never something I wanted to tempt myself with. I know that I would never have abused it, but just didn't want to have one.
My not having a credit card was never a problem until Brad (who also had never had a credit card or anything) and I tried to buy our house. Neither of use had any credit and we were told that it would be eaiser to handle things if we just went through a manuel underwrite with just Brad. We knew that we wanted to work on the situation so next time both of us can sign for the house. And I am a worrier and want to have a credit score for just in case something would happen to Brad and I have to take care of the two little people in our house.
The thing that frustrated us the most about the whole getting a credit card for me was that we have been wise with our money. There are so many that aren't that have a credit card. If I would have just gotten on in college where they hand them out like candy I wouldn't be in this situation. It is pathetic that in order to do certain things like buy a house you need credit. It should be more based on your records of paying bills and the such. Why should I be punished for making good choices?
Brad would prefer that there were no credit cards in wallets. He is a big Dave Ramsey fan. But we both can agree that credit cards have their advantages. We only use his for whatever gets us points for the month and pay it off at the end of the month. Neither of us could handle owing money!! Also, there may come a time when we need to have a credit card, so it is safety tool.
But alas, the fight is over and now I can join the millions of other people with plastic in their pockets.
My not having a credit card was never a problem until Brad (who also had never had a credit card or anything) and I tried to buy our house. Neither of use had any credit and we were told that it would be eaiser to handle things if we just went through a manuel underwrite with just Brad. We knew that we wanted to work on the situation so next time both of us can sign for the house. And I am a worrier and want to have a credit score for just in case something would happen to Brad and I have to take care of the two little people in our house.
The thing that frustrated us the most about the whole getting a credit card for me was that we have been wise with our money. There are so many that aren't that have a credit card. If I would have just gotten on in college where they hand them out like candy I wouldn't be in this situation. It is pathetic that in order to do certain things like buy a house you need credit. It should be more based on your records of paying bills and the such. Why should I be punished for making good choices?
Brad would prefer that there were no credit cards in wallets. He is a big Dave Ramsey fan. But we both can agree that credit cards have their advantages. We only use his for whatever gets us points for the month and pay it off at the end of the month. Neither of us could handle owing money!! Also, there may come a time when we need to have a credit card, so it is safety tool.
But alas, the fight is over and now I can join the millions of other people with plastic in their pockets.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Monkey say, monkey do
This morning was woken up by Matthew at 5:30. He went back to sleep, but alas, I could not. Usually when this happens I just lay in bed til either Anna or Matthew wake up, but today I decided to get dressed. I thought of all these projects I could get started on, knowing full well that all I was going to do was check my e-mails, Facebook, and Pinterest. As I was checking my electronic life I was hit with the thought of "You could be spending your time doing your devotions". Hmmm, at this moment, I don't remember the last time I did a devotion. Anna and whoever is putting her to bed that night do devotions before she goes to bed. We make sure it is a priority that she sets aside some time every day to thank Jesus for what He has done and spend time in His Word. That is all well and good and I see the benefits of doing this. The problem inlies with the fact that now she is fine doing that but when her or Matthew notice that their mom doesn't take the time to do it, then it could lead to them not making it a priority in their lives. What I do is what they will do. Obviously as they get older they will make their own choices no matter what example I set, but I am the one showing them what to do now and in this area I'm failing them.
This concept of monkey say, monkey do also falls over into how Anna and Matthew perceive the world through conversations Brad and I have. For instance....Anna refuses to go to a class at the YMCA because she doesn't like the teacher. When asked why she doesn't like her, she will reply that it is because the teacher is so disorganized. Hmm, a five year old upset because a teacher is disorganized....that probably came from mom complaining about it. She probably would have had no problem had she not overheard me saying something. Or how about the times when she complains about the kids being too loud or how rude it is when parents take their kids out when they are visibly sick. Or let's go to the fact that my daughter has an attitude when she talks at times and when I hear her I hear myself. Ouch.
I look at this sometimes and I think, well, at least I'm seeing this now before Matthew is too old and can change a few things. But then self-doubt creeps in and reminds me that I probably won't. I hope that I truly do because I do want to set a good example for my kids. I want my marriage to be an example to them. I want them to look back on their life and think "I really want to be like my mom in how she did this..." or "I remember my mom in the Word and being an example of someone who is a follower of Christ..". I want them to model characterisitcs that I find important. I don't want to say "do what I say, not what I do". I fail daily, but hopefully the desires of my heart will help me to change and be the example I want to be.
This concept of monkey say, monkey do also falls over into how Anna and Matthew perceive the world through conversations Brad and I have. For instance....Anna refuses to go to a class at the YMCA because she doesn't like the teacher. When asked why she doesn't like her, she will reply that it is because the teacher is so disorganized. Hmm, a five year old upset because a teacher is disorganized....that probably came from mom complaining about it. She probably would have had no problem had she not overheard me saying something. Or how about the times when she complains about the kids being too loud or how rude it is when parents take their kids out when they are visibly sick. Or let's go to the fact that my daughter has an attitude when she talks at times and when I hear her I hear myself. Ouch.
I look at this sometimes and I think, well, at least I'm seeing this now before Matthew is too old and can change a few things. But then self-doubt creeps in and reminds me that I probably won't. I hope that I truly do because I do want to set a good example for my kids. I want my marriage to be an example to them. I want them to look back on their life and think "I really want to be like my mom in how she did this..." or "I remember my mom in the Word and being an example of someone who is a follower of Christ..". I want them to model characterisitcs that I find important. I don't want to say "do what I say, not what I do". I fail daily, but hopefully the desires of my heart will help me to change and be the example I want to be.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Alls you need is a little confidence
I've been struck lately at how often we need a confidence boost. I have three examples....
1) Matthew finally learned to walk about three weeks ago!!! We all knew that he was able to walk, he just chose not to. When he made the decision to attempt to go for it, he succeeded right away. There wasn't much time of a few steps them fall, it was mostly, get up, walk til we fall down then do it all over again. He just needed some practice and confidence and he was gone.
2) Anna learned to ride her bike by herself. Her training wheels have been off for quite some time, but she would need someone next to her. She was scared of what would happen if she didn't have someone there. When she realized she didn't need us right there, she would ride a few feet then crash into the grass. Needless to say, I don't have the patience to put up with that and quickly she would go the whole block by herself. She figured out how to stop and go by herself and enjoys the independence. Anna and I were talking about her new abilities and Matthew being able to walk and her comment to me was "All I needed was a little confidence Mom. Just like all Matthew needed was confidence so he could walk". What a little philosopher I have.
3) Every child but one little girl has kicked the ball in a soccer game. She will see the ball coming toward her and step aside so it can go past. Last game I asked her if she would kick the ball and her reply was "NO!". At practice on Monday when we were scrimmaging, I switched her from playing defence to being a striker. She looked at me horrified and I told her I needed her to go kick the ball towards the goal. She said she couldn't do that. I asked why not and she replied that she didn't think she was able to kick the ball. As soon as I told her that I knew she was able to and that I had the confidence she could her face lit up. She ran up there....sad to say she wasn't able to kick the ball as shortly after practice was over. However, it was clear that she doesn't think she can do it and just needs the encouragement.
Even though these examples are of kids needing the confidence, I know that there are times when a kind word of encouragment is what I need. I know that we all need a little confidence sometimes. I hope that I have provided a kind word to someone when they needed the ump to keep going and I hope in the future I can remember to give encouragement.
1) Matthew finally learned to walk about three weeks ago!!! We all knew that he was able to walk, he just chose not to. When he made the decision to attempt to go for it, he succeeded right away. There wasn't much time of a few steps them fall, it was mostly, get up, walk til we fall down then do it all over again. He just needed some practice and confidence and he was gone.
2) Anna learned to ride her bike by herself. Her training wheels have been off for quite some time, but she would need someone next to her. She was scared of what would happen if she didn't have someone there. When she realized she didn't need us right there, she would ride a few feet then crash into the grass. Needless to say, I don't have the patience to put up with that and quickly she would go the whole block by herself. She figured out how to stop and go by herself and enjoys the independence. Anna and I were talking about her new abilities and Matthew being able to walk and her comment to me was "All I needed was a little confidence Mom. Just like all Matthew needed was confidence so he could walk". What a little philosopher I have.
3) Every child but one little girl has kicked the ball in a soccer game. She will see the ball coming toward her and step aside so it can go past. Last game I asked her if she would kick the ball and her reply was "NO!". At practice on Monday when we were scrimmaging, I switched her from playing defence to being a striker. She looked at me horrified and I told her I needed her to go kick the ball towards the goal. She said she couldn't do that. I asked why not and she replied that she didn't think she was able to kick the ball. As soon as I told her that I knew she was able to and that I had the confidence she could her face lit up. She ran up there....sad to say she wasn't able to kick the ball as shortly after practice was over. However, it was clear that she doesn't think she can do it and just needs the encouragement.
Even though these examples are of kids needing the confidence, I know that there are times when a kind word of encouragment is what I need. I know that we all need a little confidence sometimes. I hope that I have provided a kind word to someone when they needed the ump to keep going and I hope in the future I can remember to give encouragement.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
The only thing to fear is fear itself
As I've gotten older I've discovered that I've developed new fears....most of them are irrational and revolve around something happening to my family. Other than things happening to me or my family, I have four fears. They are snakes, clowns, needles, and thunderstorms. When I was younger I truly believed that when a thunderstorm came it was because God was punishing me for some sin. I would rack my brain for what I had done. I will admit that sometimes that thought still comes now that I'm older, but now it causes me to chuckle :P
The other night there was a thunderstorm. A very loud rippling clap of thunder woke up Anna and I. This year she has decided that she needs mom when she is woken up by thunderstorms. She came into my room and wanted to sleep on the couch in our room. I didn't really want to clean it off, so I told her she could come snuggle with me. She actually fell asleep there until the storm was over. I sent her back to her room.
The next morning I was thinking about the previous night. It feels so good to be thought of as a safe place. Anna coming to me shows me that she feels as though she can trust me and that she knows that I will do my best to protect her and comfort her. If I feel that good, I can't imagine how God feels when we will run to him with our fears or problems. He is there at all times and is in control of everything. Does that mean He will keep my fears away from me....no....but he will provide me everything that I need in the situation. He can provide peace that passes understanding. He will walk with me through my fears. Even though I hope with all my heart that both of my children will always feel that they can come to me with any fear or problem or joy or anything, I have a bigger hope that I can train them to go to the One who holds more power than I.
The other night there was a thunderstorm. A very loud rippling clap of thunder woke up Anna and I. This year she has decided that she needs mom when she is woken up by thunderstorms. She came into my room and wanted to sleep on the couch in our room. I didn't really want to clean it off, so I told her she could come snuggle with me. She actually fell asleep there until the storm was over. I sent her back to her room.
The next morning I was thinking about the previous night. It feels so good to be thought of as a safe place. Anna coming to me shows me that she feels as though she can trust me and that she knows that I will do my best to protect her and comfort her. If I feel that good, I can't imagine how God feels when we will run to him with our fears or problems. He is there at all times and is in control of everything. Does that mean He will keep my fears away from me....no....but he will provide me everything that I need in the situation. He can provide peace that passes understanding. He will walk with me through my fears. Even though I hope with all my heart that both of my children will always feel that they can come to me with any fear or problem or joy or anything, I have a bigger hope that I can train them to go to the One who holds more power than I.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
How it all started...
When I was 16, I was walking along Myrtle Beach alone one night talking with God. I was agonizing over my relationship with this one boy. I was infatuated with him and as hard as I would try I couldn't get over him. I clearly remember hearing "Wait for my timing, this is the guy for you." March 10, 2006 that boy and I got married.
Brad sums up our relationship in just three sentences. We met. We were friends. We got married. I myself prefer a little more detail....
The first time I remember seeing Brad was the summer of 1999. In the church kitchen I saw him talking to one of my girl friends. Brad and I both went to the same youth group so knew each other but weren't really friends. That fall we both went to the private school in our town. We became friends. My impressions of him were that he was smart, wore his pants too tight (he used to tuck his shirt in his tight pants :P), was kind, fun, nerdy, and a little bit cute. We hung out with the same group of people and I developed a crush on him although he was obviously taken by one of my friends. The next year of school his best friend told him that I liked him. He did not have any interest in me but we still were friends. He transfered schools and the next year I transfered to that same school. We became best friends. During that time Brad made it incredibly clear that we would never be anything more than friends. He explained that he didn't want to lost a best friend by dating. We have so many memories together through those four years.
I went to college and he even visited a few times. That spring his girlfriend broke up with him a few weeks before prom. He messaged me asking if I would want to go with him. Of course I said yes!! Even though I had fun, that was one of the worst nights in our history together. He was a complete jerk (he will tell you he was). That summer we hung out and something changed. Homecoming came around and he asked me to go with him. There wasn't anything said about liking one another and I was very unsure of where we stood. That January my friend Nyssa, Brad, and I went skiing. Brad and I were on the chair lift and it came up that we needed to figure out what was between us. He cowarded out and made me say my feelings first. I was scared because I didn't want to be rejected again. Finally I told him that I liked him and he told me that he felt the same way. He didn't want to start dating because he wanted to finish his senior year first. He with my parents to visit me in FoCo. He asked me to go to the Winter Formal with him. We went to the Coyote (a Mexican restaurant) with his best friend and girlfriend. Towards the end of dinner the waitress comes around and asks me if I want more water. I didn't even really look at her and said no. She kept pestering me and finally I look up. She is wearing a shirt with Brad and I's picture on it and it says "Will you go out with me?" On the back it has a box next to yes and no. I mark yes and since then he has been stuck with me!
Brad went to the University of Nebraska Lincoln. It was hard on our relationship to be so far apart. It was good for our communication. We almost broke up several times but still made it. One year and some bad choices later, my parents and I traveled to Lincoln. Febrary 18th Brad asked me to marry him. He remembered to include in his question my one requirement. He had to include the verse from the Song of Solomon. It says "your hair is like a flock of wild goats". This verse cracks me up every time. We had originally planned on getting married August of 2007 but because of our choices we got married in March. I think God thought I should eat some crow. I had always said that I would never get married in winter because I hate winter. Three weeks after Brad asked me to marry him we were on our way to BV to get married. March 9th Brad drove in from Nebraska to FoCo. My friend Nyssa flew in around 11 and we picked her up. It was snowing bad so we picked up Nyssa then instead of driving to BV we drove to CO Springs and stayed in Brad's aunt and uncle's empty house. The next morning we drove to BV, got there around 10 and by 5:30 that night it was our ceremony. We had the dinner and then turned around and drove back up to Denver and the next morning we flew to Myrtle Beach. Did I forget to mention that my parents were with us? It had originally been planned that this was supposed to be a spring break trip so it just turned into a honeymoon. After our week in Myrtle Beach, Brad went back to UNL and I went back to CSU. We finished out our school years and finally were able to live together! We had a huge reception that June! That summer we went to some marriage counceling since we didn't do premarital counceling. The pastor told us that we should have never gotten married. How rude! We proved him wrong!
I truly believe that the key to Brad and I's relationship is that we were friends first. Brad was and still is my best friend. I can't wait to share my thoughts with him and he is my first call for anything. We have had our ups and downs. There have been times I wondered why I got married and times that I couldn't be happier. We create some beautiful babies. My favorite thing about us is that we are able to laugh. We were talking about how our marriage has matured over the last six years. I look foward to spending the next fifty years with Brad and I will enjoy every adventure we go on.
Brad sums up our relationship in just three sentences. We met. We were friends. We got married. I myself prefer a little more detail....
The first time I remember seeing Brad was the summer of 1999. In the church kitchen I saw him talking to one of my girl friends. Brad and I both went to the same youth group so knew each other but weren't really friends. That fall we both went to the private school in our town. We became friends. My impressions of him were that he was smart, wore his pants too tight (he used to tuck his shirt in his tight pants :P), was kind, fun, nerdy, and a little bit cute. We hung out with the same group of people and I developed a crush on him although he was obviously taken by one of my friends. The next year of school his best friend told him that I liked him. He did not have any interest in me but we still were friends. He transfered schools and the next year I transfered to that same school. We became best friends. During that time Brad made it incredibly clear that we would never be anything more than friends. He explained that he didn't want to lost a best friend by dating. We have so many memories together through those four years.
I went to college and he even visited a few times. That spring his girlfriend broke up with him a few weeks before prom. He messaged me asking if I would want to go with him. Of course I said yes!! Even though I had fun, that was one of the worst nights in our history together. He was a complete jerk (he will tell you he was). That summer we hung out and something changed. Homecoming came around and he asked me to go with him. There wasn't anything said about liking one another and I was very unsure of where we stood. That January my friend Nyssa, Brad, and I went skiing. Brad and I were on the chair lift and it came up that we needed to figure out what was between us. He cowarded out and made me say my feelings first. I was scared because I didn't want to be rejected again. Finally I told him that I liked him and he told me that he felt the same way. He didn't want to start dating because he wanted to finish his senior year first. He with my parents to visit me in FoCo. He asked me to go to the Winter Formal with him. We went to the Coyote (a Mexican restaurant) with his best friend and girlfriend. Towards the end of dinner the waitress comes around and asks me if I want more water. I didn't even really look at her and said no. She kept pestering me and finally I look up. She is wearing a shirt with Brad and I's picture on it and it says "Will you go out with me?" On the back it has a box next to yes and no. I mark yes and since then he has been stuck with me!
Brad went to the University of Nebraska Lincoln. It was hard on our relationship to be so far apart. It was good for our communication. We almost broke up several times but still made it. One year and some bad choices later, my parents and I traveled to Lincoln. Febrary 18th Brad asked me to marry him. He remembered to include in his question my one requirement. He had to include the verse from the Song of Solomon. It says "your hair is like a flock of wild goats". This verse cracks me up every time. We had originally planned on getting married August of 2007 but because of our choices we got married in March. I think God thought I should eat some crow. I had always said that I would never get married in winter because I hate winter. Three weeks after Brad asked me to marry him we were on our way to BV to get married. March 9th Brad drove in from Nebraska to FoCo. My friend Nyssa flew in around 11 and we picked her up. It was snowing bad so we picked up Nyssa then instead of driving to BV we drove to CO Springs and stayed in Brad's aunt and uncle's empty house. The next morning we drove to BV, got there around 10 and by 5:30 that night it was our ceremony. We had the dinner and then turned around and drove back up to Denver and the next morning we flew to Myrtle Beach. Did I forget to mention that my parents were with us? It had originally been planned that this was supposed to be a spring break trip so it just turned into a honeymoon. After our week in Myrtle Beach, Brad went back to UNL and I went back to CSU. We finished out our school years and finally were able to live together! We had a huge reception that June! That summer we went to some marriage counceling since we didn't do premarital counceling. The pastor told us that we should have never gotten married. How rude! We proved him wrong!
I truly believe that the key to Brad and I's relationship is that we were friends first. Brad was and still is my best friend. I can't wait to share my thoughts with him and he is my first call for anything. We have had our ups and downs. There have been times I wondered why I got married and times that I couldn't be happier. We create some beautiful babies. My favorite thing about us is that we are able to laugh. We were talking about how our marriage has matured over the last six years. I look foward to spending the next fifty years with Brad and I will enjoy every adventure we go on.
Friday, March 2, 2012
Get Your Argue On
There are times that I thrive on arguing. Growing up I was famous for taking an opposite side just for the sake of arguing. I might not even agree with what I was arguing for, but I still did it. Now that I'm older, I do dig in my heels and stand firm when I believe I am right. I hate that feeling of losing an argument or running out of comebacks (which rarely happens:P). Even after the arguement or disagreement, I will mull over what is said and think of different ways I should have said things or a better defensive of my position. I will literally stay up at night thinking of these things. One of the hardest things for me is letting go of an argument/disagreement especially in the middle of one. Thankfully, I have a husband who will observe, then step in and tell me that it isn't worth it and stop me from continuing. He may totally agree with me or even tell me his comment back, but still he encourages me to just let it go. Usually I give him a nasty look and try to rebel, but in the end I know he is right.
My daughter is quite the little arguer herself. I have a way of dropping in maturity and arguing with her when we are in disagreement. I have even lowered myself so much that I stuck my tongue out at her. Yes, I am the mother and I did such actions. Oh dear...
Hopefully one of these days I will resist the temptation to even open my mouth or allow my hands to type when I see an argument brewing. It isn't worth it and most of the time you will not change the other person's mind.
My daughter is quite the little arguer herself. I have a way of dropping in maturity and arguing with her when we are in disagreement. I have even lowered myself so much that I stuck my tongue out at her. Yes, I am the mother and I did such actions. Oh dear...
Hopefully one of these days I will resist the temptation to even open my mouth or allow my hands to type when I see an argument brewing. It isn't worth it and most of the time you will not change the other person's mind.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
One year ago today....
At this moment one year ago today I remember my husband and mom trying their hardest to convince me to go to the hospital. One year ago today I was in labor to have my one-derful Matthew.
Let me back up. Matthew was due on Feb. 5th. I think that due dates are a load of crock so wasn't disappointed or suprised when no baby was here by then. In fact, I really wanted Matthew to be born on 2/9/11 (yes, I'm a total nerd and if you get why I will think about giving you some points). If not born on 2/9 then 2/13/11 was acceptable as well. My midwife made fun of me as she said she hadn't had anyone before want to be late. A few days past my due date one of the midwives said she wanted me to consider getting induced. I was irritated. My blood pressure was fantastic and I had no swelling but was gaining weight fine. Plus, when the midwife guessed the weight of the baby she guessed around 7/8 lbs so I said that the baby needed to gain some more weight...I didn't want no small baby :P I went to the midwife a week after my due date and was monitered. It showed the baby was doing great but they still wanted me to induce. I had total peace about the situation and said no. Plus anyone who knows me knows that hell would have to freeze over before I induced without a good reason. I told the midwife that day that I was going to have this baby naturally and it would not stay in me forever. To assure them, I said after 42 weeks I would consider being induced. My dad and I walked and walked and walked. My mom gave me foot rubs (which I hate). I swayed my hips and had lost my mucus plug, but still no baby.
I was supposed to have an appointment on 2/15 but cancelled it because I didn't want to fight with them about the induction and I was still feeling great and feeling the baby move. When I woke up in the morning I felt a little different and thought "this could be the day". I ate breakfast and told my mom I was feeling different. She was excited because she was positive that I was in labor. I was in denial because it didn't hurt at all. We went to story time and I called Brad to say that maybe I was in labor. After story time we went to Walmart and did some shopping. I still wasn't pain at all, just felt ackward. Anna and my mom went to take a nap. While they were napping a nurse from the midwives office called. This is when things changed. She had the odascity (sp?) to tell me that I was killing my baby for not getting induced. I told her that I thought I was in labor and when I explained how I was feeling she told me I was just having braxton hicks contractions. I told her that I wasn't going to the hospital til I was pretty far along and she told me that I didn't think of anyone but myself. I was beyond furious. Me killing my baby....who did she think she was? What did she have that would show I was killing my baby. Even now I am slamming the keys while I type. After that conversation my contractions developed a little more. However, they still weren't painful. I finally admitted that I was in labor. The contractions were all over the place as far as consistency. Brad got home at 5 and took Anna to Chick-fil-A. My mom and I walked a few times around my neighborhood. It was dark and finally around 8 Brad and my mom insisted that I pack a bag to go to the hospital. Brad called the midwife and left a message to call us back. I showered and braided my hair. I did not want to go to the hospital. I was convinced that it would be a terrible experience. Brad and my mom were getting pretty ansy that I wasn't at the hospital yet. I think it was hard because the contractions were not painful and I was feeling great. The midwife called back around 9 and heard how I was feeling and said she would feel better if I came in. I relented. I cried leaving my Anna behind. I had one contraction on the way to the hospital. We got to the hospital around 10. I was wheeled to admission and conversed with the desk ladies. I was so impressed as the nurse taking me to my room said, oh I will draw you a bath (which I didn't take her up on). Everyone was super friendly and I felt like I wasn't in labor at all :P I was chatting with my midwife as they were connecting me and reminded her that when went to the hospital with Anna I was 10 centimeters dialated. She checked me and laughed saying that I was at a 10 this time too! Her and my nurse, Rachel, were commenting that I should never share my labor story because I did not labor like a normal woman. I was laughing with them and it was just like an appointment. My midwife that night guessed the weight of the baby and guessed around 9 lbs. When I had Anna the midwife came and suggested breaking my water so I assumed that this midwife would do the same. We were there for an hour and I asked if they were going to break my water. My midwife, Gloria, broke my water. With Anna, barely any fluid came out, but with Matthew it felt like I was continously peeing :P After they broke my water my contractions started to get intense. I tried a few different positions, but felt best on my back. Rachel was an amazing nurse and was a totally blessing. Her voice was so calming and she was very encouraging. She helped get Matthew's head down and Gloria got ready for the big event. When Matthew's head was down one of the nurses said "I can see lots of blonde hair!". In my head I was thinking, "blonde hair...not my baby." I had hoped that in a few pushes baby would be out. I felt the urge to push and we started. Little did I know that this would be probably the hardest thing I have had to go through in my life. I pushed and pushed and pushed. I felt as though nothing was happening. I could feel tension building in the room. I was feeling defeated. Gloria hurriedly announced that I needed to turn on my side to help get baby out. I turned. She started to sound frantic as she talked with the nurses. It was so painful. I shouted out like one of those crazy pregnant women :P I told Brad that I couldn't do this anymore and with a raised voice he replied that I had to do this to get the baby out. Finally at 12:04 2/16/11 Matthew Robert Carr was pulled out into this world. I asked if they could change the time so he could be born on the 15th :P I had wanted both kids to be born on a Tuesday and one of my favorite numbers is 15, but Matthew style he came when he was ready. Brad had considered cutting the cord, but there was no opportunity. After Matthew came out, he was rushed over to the table. In the birthing process, his right clavicle was broken and he had several bruises and his head was swollen. Gloria came over to tell me that "he was alright". I had to digest the information she had given me as that was when I found out the sex of the baby. We found out that all estimations of his weight were off. Matthew was 10lbs 1.4 oz and 21.5" long. I had to work through feelings of failure as I felt I had not done my job well. Brad called the family and let them know Matthew was here. I confided in my mom that this was the worst pain ever. When my mom told Anna she had a baby brother she said "I really wanted a baby sister, but I will love a baby brother". Gloria informed us that there are a few births that you will always remember and ours was going to be one of them. Matthew had gotten stuck coming out and that was what was causing the commotion. Gloria told us that there are 10 steps to getting a baby out and she had only got to 3 or 4 before and with Matthew she had gotten to 9. Ten was shoving the baby back in and doing an emergency c-section. Our praise was that she had just gotten back from a mission trip teaching about the 10 steps. Another interesting thing was that Gloria was the first midwife I had seen and I had guessed that she was the one that would be delivering Matthew. Even the night of my labor I could see how positive my experience was. I am blessed that with both kiddos I can look back and be grateful for having a wonderful birthing process.
February 16th the midwife I had seen while getting monitered came to check on me. She laughed telling me that I had told her that I was going to have this baby naturally and I did. When our ped. came to check over Matthew he said the nurses were all talking about the fact that I had delivered a 10lb baby naturally. He said that checking over Matthew was like doing a 2 month check up! We had some great nurses during our visit but one really bad one. She was nice, but I don't think she did a good job at all. Because of his weight, Matthew had to pass three blood sugar test. He passed two before the nurse came and when she did the first one he failed. During the day she ended up poking him more than 7 times. He had to be on formula in hopes of getting things to turn out all right. She would have to poke him several times for one test. It was terrible. After her shift, he passed the very next test and the nurse said that the previous nurse had been using equipment that wasn't the best. That was hard. We were released on the 17th. I felt great and had only needed a few pills to help with the pain during my visit. I felt great right away.
I can not believe how fast time has gone. As I look at my baby today I can't be more thankful for him. He is an immense blessing to our family. I love his cuddles and his smile is infectious. Overall he is a happy baby and quite a ham. He is ornery and very determined. I love him so much and pray blessing over his life. I look foward to watching him grow up and hope that I can be the mother that he deserves.
Let me back up. Matthew was due on Feb. 5th. I think that due dates are a load of crock so wasn't disappointed or suprised when no baby was here by then. In fact, I really wanted Matthew to be born on 2/9/11 (yes, I'm a total nerd and if you get why I will think about giving you some points). If not born on 2/9 then 2/13/11 was acceptable as well. My midwife made fun of me as she said she hadn't had anyone before want to be late. A few days past my due date one of the midwives said she wanted me to consider getting induced. I was irritated. My blood pressure was fantastic and I had no swelling but was gaining weight fine. Plus, when the midwife guessed the weight of the baby she guessed around 7/8 lbs so I said that the baby needed to gain some more weight...I didn't want no small baby :P I went to the midwife a week after my due date and was monitered. It showed the baby was doing great but they still wanted me to induce. I had total peace about the situation and said no. Plus anyone who knows me knows that hell would have to freeze over before I induced without a good reason. I told the midwife that day that I was going to have this baby naturally and it would not stay in me forever. To assure them, I said after 42 weeks I would consider being induced. My dad and I walked and walked and walked. My mom gave me foot rubs (which I hate). I swayed my hips and had lost my mucus plug, but still no baby.
I was supposed to have an appointment on 2/15 but cancelled it because I didn't want to fight with them about the induction and I was still feeling great and feeling the baby move. When I woke up in the morning I felt a little different and thought "this could be the day". I ate breakfast and told my mom I was feeling different. She was excited because she was positive that I was in labor. I was in denial because it didn't hurt at all. We went to story time and I called Brad to say that maybe I was in labor. After story time we went to Walmart and did some shopping. I still wasn't pain at all, just felt ackward. Anna and my mom went to take a nap. While they were napping a nurse from the midwives office called. This is when things changed. She had the odascity (sp?) to tell me that I was killing my baby for not getting induced. I told her that I thought I was in labor and when I explained how I was feeling she told me I was just having braxton hicks contractions. I told her that I wasn't going to the hospital til I was pretty far along and she told me that I didn't think of anyone but myself. I was beyond furious. Me killing my baby....who did she think she was? What did she have that would show I was killing my baby. Even now I am slamming the keys while I type. After that conversation my contractions developed a little more. However, they still weren't painful. I finally admitted that I was in labor. The contractions were all over the place as far as consistency. Brad got home at 5 and took Anna to Chick-fil-A. My mom and I walked a few times around my neighborhood. It was dark and finally around 8 Brad and my mom insisted that I pack a bag to go to the hospital. Brad called the midwife and left a message to call us back. I showered and braided my hair. I did not want to go to the hospital. I was convinced that it would be a terrible experience. Brad and my mom were getting pretty ansy that I wasn't at the hospital yet. I think it was hard because the contractions were not painful and I was feeling great. The midwife called back around 9 and heard how I was feeling and said she would feel better if I came in. I relented. I cried leaving my Anna behind. I had one contraction on the way to the hospital. We got to the hospital around 10. I was wheeled to admission and conversed with the desk ladies. I was so impressed as the nurse taking me to my room said, oh I will draw you a bath (which I didn't take her up on). Everyone was super friendly and I felt like I wasn't in labor at all :P I was chatting with my midwife as they were connecting me and reminded her that when went to the hospital with Anna I was 10 centimeters dialated. She checked me and laughed saying that I was at a 10 this time too! Her and my nurse, Rachel, were commenting that I should never share my labor story because I did not labor like a normal woman. I was laughing with them and it was just like an appointment. My midwife that night guessed the weight of the baby and guessed around 9 lbs. When I had Anna the midwife came and suggested breaking my water so I assumed that this midwife would do the same. We were there for an hour and I asked if they were going to break my water. My midwife, Gloria, broke my water. With Anna, barely any fluid came out, but with Matthew it felt like I was continously peeing :P After they broke my water my contractions started to get intense. I tried a few different positions, but felt best on my back. Rachel was an amazing nurse and was a totally blessing. Her voice was so calming and she was very encouraging. She helped get Matthew's head down and Gloria got ready for the big event. When Matthew's head was down one of the nurses said "I can see lots of blonde hair!". In my head I was thinking, "blonde hair...not my baby." I had hoped that in a few pushes baby would be out. I felt the urge to push and we started. Little did I know that this would be probably the hardest thing I have had to go through in my life. I pushed and pushed and pushed. I felt as though nothing was happening. I could feel tension building in the room. I was feeling defeated. Gloria hurriedly announced that I needed to turn on my side to help get baby out. I turned. She started to sound frantic as she talked with the nurses. It was so painful. I shouted out like one of those crazy pregnant women :P I told Brad that I couldn't do this anymore and with a raised voice he replied that I had to do this to get the baby out. Finally at 12:04 2/16/11 Matthew Robert Carr was pulled out into this world. I asked if they could change the time so he could be born on the 15th :P I had wanted both kids to be born on a Tuesday and one of my favorite numbers is 15, but Matthew style he came when he was ready. Brad had considered cutting the cord, but there was no opportunity. After Matthew came out, he was rushed over to the table. In the birthing process, his right clavicle was broken and he had several bruises and his head was swollen. Gloria came over to tell me that "he was alright". I had to digest the information she had given me as that was when I found out the sex of the baby. We found out that all estimations of his weight were off. Matthew was 10lbs 1.4 oz and 21.5" long. I had to work through feelings of failure as I felt I had not done my job well. Brad called the family and let them know Matthew was here. I confided in my mom that this was the worst pain ever. When my mom told Anna she had a baby brother she said "I really wanted a baby sister, but I will love a baby brother". Gloria informed us that there are a few births that you will always remember and ours was going to be one of them. Matthew had gotten stuck coming out and that was what was causing the commotion. Gloria told us that there are 10 steps to getting a baby out and she had only got to 3 or 4 before and with Matthew she had gotten to 9. Ten was shoving the baby back in and doing an emergency c-section. Our praise was that she had just gotten back from a mission trip teaching about the 10 steps. Another interesting thing was that Gloria was the first midwife I had seen and I had guessed that she was the one that would be delivering Matthew. Even the night of my labor I could see how positive my experience was. I am blessed that with both kiddos I can look back and be grateful for having a wonderful birthing process.
February 16th the midwife I had seen while getting monitered came to check on me. She laughed telling me that I had told her that I was going to have this baby naturally and I did. When our ped. came to check over Matthew he said the nurses were all talking about the fact that I had delivered a 10lb baby naturally. He said that checking over Matthew was like doing a 2 month check up! We had some great nurses during our visit but one really bad one. She was nice, but I don't think she did a good job at all. Because of his weight, Matthew had to pass three blood sugar test. He passed two before the nurse came and when she did the first one he failed. During the day she ended up poking him more than 7 times. He had to be on formula in hopes of getting things to turn out all right. She would have to poke him several times for one test. It was terrible. After her shift, he passed the very next test and the nurse said that the previous nurse had been using equipment that wasn't the best. That was hard. We were released on the 17th. I felt great and had only needed a few pills to help with the pain during my visit. I felt great right away.
I can not believe how fast time has gone. As I look at my baby today I can't be more thankful for him. He is an immense blessing to our family. I love his cuddles and his smile is infectious. Overall he is a happy baby and quite a ham. He is ornery and very determined. I love him so much and pray blessing over his life. I look foward to watching him grow up and hope that I can be the mother that he deserves.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Siblings
A few mornings ago I was woken up by the sound of Matthew giggling in his bed. I hadn't heard him at all before then so wondered what was causing the pleasant sounds to come from his bedroom. Groggly, I stumble to his room and discover that Anna is in his room and had put a small box of toys in his bed and was talking to him. She had heard him whining and had gone in to entertain him. (may I say what a kind, responsible, mature little girl I have. She was letting me sleep and knew exactly what to give Matthew to make him happy!) Anna is a wonderful big sister and takes care of Matthew extremely well. She will try her best to watch out for him. She is elated with the littlest things he does. She does get irritated with him when he destroys a drawing or gets into what she was playing with, but loves to have him come in her room. They have a new form of entertaining each other. They play on her piano. She has taught him to sing in the microphone and shown him which buttons to push to make the piano play a song. She is the one who taught him how to push the balls down on his toys. She loves to read to him. In the mornings we snuggle in bed before we start our day. She almost always brings in a stuffed animal just for Matthew. They are funny as they will switch back and forth on the animals. Anna consistently informs us that she is going to take Matthew to live with her when she is older.
Matthew adores his big sister. He follows her around. Anna always gets the most kisses from him and he will race to her and give her hugs. Even when he was a few months old, if she wasn't around he would search for her. If I call for her in the mornings he stretches his neck til he sees her coming then gets excited and tries to run away so she will get him. When he is unhappy, I call for Anna to come and she can make him smile.
I was terribly worried about how my children would react to having a 4.5 year gap inbetween them. I was worried about them having a relationship with one another. My concerns were thrown out the window! It melts my heart to see them enjoy one another so much. Less than a handful of times in the last year have we seen Anna be jealous of the new addition. I pray that we are able to continue to foster a positive relationship between our children. I know that it won't be all joy as they grow up, but I hope that they will be friends. And honestly, I feel that a lot of that will depend on how Brad and I raise them. If we let them be mean to one another and treat each other without respect, then it will wedge them apart. It makes me sad to see families where the kids beat on each other and can't enjoy each other. So, here's to crossing our fingers to good success for Brad and I and here's a cheer that my children love one another!
Matthew adores his big sister. He follows her around. Anna always gets the most kisses from him and he will race to her and give her hugs. Even when he was a few months old, if she wasn't around he would search for her. If I call for her in the mornings he stretches his neck til he sees her coming then gets excited and tries to run away so she will get him. When he is unhappy, I call for Anna to come and she can make him smile.
I was terribly worried about how my children would react to having a 4.5 year gap inbetween them. I was worried about them having a relationship with one another. My concerns were thrown out the window! It melts my heart to see them enjoy one another so much. Less than a handful of times in the last year have we seen Anna be jealous of the new addition. I pray that we are able to continue to foster a positive relationship between our children. I know that it won't be all joy as they grow up, but I hope that they will be friends. And honestly, I feel that a lot of that will depend on how Brad and I raise them. If we let them be mean to one another and treat each other without respect, then it will wedge them apart. It makes me sad to see families where the kids beat on each other and can't enjoy each other. So, here's to crossing our fingers to good success for Brad and I and here's a cheer that my children love one another!
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