This morning was woken up by Matthew at 5:30. He went back to sleep, but alas, I could not. Usually when this happens I just lay in bed til either Anna or Matthew wake up, but today I decided to get dressed. I thought of all these projects I could get started on, knowing full well that all I was going to do was check my e-mails, Facebook, and Pinterest. As I was checking my electronic life I was hit with the thought of "You could be spending your time doing your devotions". Hmmm, at this moment, I don't remember the last time I did a devotion. Anna and whoever is putting her to bed that night do devotions before she goes to bed. We make sure it is a priority that she sets aside some time every day to thank Jesus for what He has done and spend time in His Word. That is all well and good and I see the benefits of doing this. The problem inlies with the fact that now she is fine doing that but when her or Matthew notice that their mom doesn't take the time to do it, then it could lead to them not making it a priority in their lives. What I do is what they will do. Obviously as they get older they will make their own choices no matter what example I set, but I am the one showing them what to do now and in this area I'm failing them.
This concept of monkey say, monkey do also falls over into how Anna and Matthew perceive the world through conversations Brad and I have. For instance....Anna refuses to go to a class at the YMCA because she doesn't like the teacher. When asked why she doesn't like her, she will reply that it is because the teacher is so disorganized. Hmm, a five year old upset because a teacher is disorganized....that probably came from mom complaining about it. She probably would have had no problem had she not overheard me saying something. Or how about the times when she complains about the kids being too loud or how rude it is when parents take their kids out when they are visibly sick. Or let's go to the fact that my daughter has an attitude when she talks at times and when I hear her I hear myself. Ouch.
I look at this sometimes and I think, well, at least I'm seeing this now before Matthew is too old and can change a few things. But then self-doubt creeps in and reminds me that I probably won't. I hope that I truly do because I do want to set a good example for my kids. I want my marriage to be an example to them. I want them to look back on their life and think "I really want to be like my mom in how she did this..." or "I remember my mom in the Word and being an example of someone who is a follower of Christ..". I want them to model characterisitcs that I find important. I don't want to say "do what I say, not what I do". I fail daily, but hopefully the desires of my heart will help me to change and be the example I want to be.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Alls you need is a little confidence
I've been struck lately at how often we need a confidence boost. I have three examples....
1) Matthew finally learned to walk about three weeks ago!!! We all knew that he was able to walk, he just chose not to. When he made the decision to attempt to go for it, he succeeded right away. There wasn't much time of a few steps them fall, it was mostly, get up, walk til we fall down then do it all over again. He just needed some practice and confidence and he was gone.
2) Anna learned to ride her bike by herself. Her training wheels have been off for quite some time, but she would need someone next to her. She was scared of what would happen if she didn't have someone there. When she realized she didn't need us right there, she would ride a few feet then crash into the grass. Needless to say, I don't have the patience to put up with that and quickly she would go the whole block by herself. She figured out how to stop and go by herself and enjoys the independence. Anna and I were talking about her new abilities and Matthew being able to walk and her comment to me was "All I needed was a little confidence Mom. Just like all Matthew needed was confidence so he could walk". What a little philosopher I have.
3) Every child but one little girl has kicked the ball in a soccer game. She will see the ball coming toward her and step aside so it can go past. Last game I asked her if she would kick the ball and her reply was "NO!". At practice on Monday when we were scrimmaging, I switched her from playing defence to being a striker. She looked at me horrified and I told her I needed her to go kick the ball towards the goal. She said she couldn't do that. I asked why not and she replied that she didn't think she was able to kick the ball. As soon as I told her that I knew she was able to and that I had the confidence she could her face lit up. She ran up there....sad to say she wasn't able to kick the ball as shortly after practice was over. However, it was clear that she doesn't think she can do it and just needs the encouragement.
Even though these examples are of kids needing the confidence, I know that there are times when a kind word of encouragment is what I need. I know that we all need a little confidence sometimes. I hope that I have provided a kind word to someone when they needed the ump to keep going and I hope in the future I can remember to give encouragement.
1) Matthew finally learned to walk about three weeks ago!!! We all knew that he was able to walk, he just chose not to. When he made the decision to attempt to go for it, he succeeded right away. There wasn't much time of a few steps them fall, it was mostly, get up, walk til we fall down then do it all over again. He just needed some practice and confidence and he was gone.
2) Anna learned to ride her bike by herself. Her training wheels have been off for quite some time, but she would need someone next to her. She was scared of what would happen if she didn't have someone there. When she realized she didn't need us right there, she would ride a few feet then crash into the grass. Needless to say, I don't have the patience to put up with that and quickly she would go the whole block by herself. She figured out how to stop and go by herself and enjoys the independence. Anna and I were talking about her new abilities and Matthew being able to walk and her comment to me was "All I needed was a little confidence Mom. Just like all Matthew needed was confidence so he could walk". What a little philosopher I have.
3) Every child but one little girl has kicked the ball in a soccer game. She will see the ball coming toward her and step aside so it can go past. Last game I asked her if she would kick the ball and her reply was "NO!". At practice on Monday when we were scrimmaging, I switched her from playing defence to being a striker. She looked at me horrified and I told her I needed her to go kick the ball towards the goal. She said she couldn't do that. I asked why not and she replied that she didn't think she was able to kick the ball. As soon as I told her that I knew she was able to and that I had the confidence she could her face lit up. She ran up there....sad to say she wasn't able to kick the ball as shortly after practice was over. However, it was clear that she doesn't think she can do it and just needs the encouragement.
Even though these examples are of kids needing the confidence, I know that there are times when a kind word of encouragment is what I need. I know that we all need a little confidence sometimes. I hope that I have provided a kind word to someone when they needed the ump to keep going and I hope in the future I can remember to give encouragement.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
The only thing to fear is fear itself
As I've gotten older I've discovered that I've developed new fears....most of them are irrational and revolve around something happening to my family. Other than things happening to me or my family, I have four fears. They are snakes, clowns, needles, and thunderstorms. When I was younger I truly believed that when a thunderstorm came it was because God was punishing me for some sin. I would rack my brain for what I had done. I will admit that sometimes that thought still comes now that I'm older, but now it causes me to chuckle :P
The other night there was a thunderstorm. A very loud rippling clap of thunder woke up Anna and I. This year she has decided that she needs mom when she is woken up by thunderstorms. She came into my room and wanted to sleep on the couch in our room. I didn't really want to clean it off, so I told her she could come snuggle with me. She actually fell asleep there until the storm was over. I sent her back to her room.
The next morning I was thinking about the previous night. It feels so good to be thought of as a safe place. Anna coming to me shows me that she feels as though she can trust me and that she knows that I will do my best to protect her and comfort her. If I feel that good, I can't imagine how God feels when we will run to him with our fears or problems. He is there at all times and is in control of everything. Does that mean He will keep my fears away from me....no....but he will provide me everything that I need in the situation. He can provide peace that passes understanding. He will walk with me through my fears. Even though I hope with all my heart that both of my children will always feel that they can come to me with any fear or problem or joy or anything, I have a bigger hope that I can train them to go to the One who holds more power than I.
The other night there was a thunderstorm. A very loud rippling clap of thunder woke up Anna and I. This year she has decided that she needs mom when she is woken up by thunderstorms. She came into my room and wanted to sleep on the couch in our room. I didn't really want to clean it off, so I told her she could come snuggle with me. She actually fell asleep there until the storm was over. I sent her back to her room.
The next morning I was thinking about the previous night. It feels so good to be thought of as a safe place. Anna coming to me shows me that she feels as though she can trust me and that she knows that I will do my best to protect her and comfort her. If I feel that good, I can't imagine how God feels when we will run to him with our fears or problems. He is there at all times and is in control of everything. Does that mean He will keep my fears away from me....no....but he will provide me everything that I need in the situation. He can provide peace that passes understanding. He will walk with me through my fears. Even though I hope with all my heart that both of my children will always feel that they can come to me with any fear or problem or joy or anything, I have a bigger hope that I can train them to go to the One who holds more power than I.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
How it all started...
When I was 16, I was walking along Myrtle Beach alone one night talking with God. I was agonizing over my relationship with this one boy. I was infatuated with him and as hard as I would try I couldn't get over him. I clearly remember hearing "Wait for my timing, this is the guy for you." March 10, 2006 that boy and I got married.
Brad sums up our relationship in just three sentences. We met. We were friends. We got married. I myself prefer a little more detail....
The first time I remember seeing Brad was the summer of 1999. In the church kitchen I saw him talking to one of my girl friends. Brad and I both went to the same youth group so knew each other but weren't really friends. That fall we both went to the private school in our town. We became friends. My impressions of him were that he was smart, wore his pants too tight (he used to tuck his shirt in his tight pants :P), was kind, fun, nerdy, and a little bit cute. We hung out with the same group of people and I developed a crush on him although he was obviously taken by one of my friends. The next year of school his best friend told him that I liked him. He did not have any interest in me but we still were friends. He transfered schools and the next year I transfered to that same school. We became best friends. During that time Brad made it incredibly clear that we would never be anything more than friends. He explained that he didn't want to lost a best friend by dating. We have so many memories together through those four years.
I went to college and he even visited a few times. That spring his girlfriend broke up with him a few weeks before prom. He messaged me asking if I would want to go with him. Of course I said yes!! Even though I had fun, that was one of the worst nights in our history together. He was a complete jerk (he will tell you he was). That summer we hung out and something changed. Homecoming came around and he asked me to go with him. There wasn't anything said about liking one another and I was very unsure of where we stood. That January my friend Nyssa, Brad, and I went skiing. Brad and I were on the chair lift and it came up that we needed to figure out what was between us. He cowarded out and made me say my feelings first. I was scared because I didn't want to be rejected again. Finally I told him that I liked him and he told me that he felt the same way. He didn't want to start dating because he wanted to finish his senior year first. He with my parents to visit me in FoCo. He asked me to go to the Winter Formal with him. We went to the Coyote (a Mexican restaurant) with his best friend and girlfriend. Towards the end of dinner the waitress comes around and asks me if I want more water. I didn't even really look at her and said no. She kept pestering me and finally I look up. She is wearing a shirt with Brad and I's picture on it and it says "Will you go out with me?" On the back it has a box next to yes and no. I mark yes and since then he has been stuck with me!
Brad went to the University of Nebraska Lincoln. It was hard on our relationship to be so far apart. It was good for our communication. We almost broke up several times but still made it. One year and some bad choices later, my parents and I traveled to Lincoln. Febrary 18th Brad asked me to marry him. He remembered to include in his question my one requirement. He had to include the verse from the Song of Solomon. It says "your hair is like a flock of wild goats". This verse cracks me up every time. We had originally planned on getting married August of 2007 but because of our choices we got married in March. I think God thought I should eat some crow. I had always said that I would never get married in winter because I hate winter. Three weeks after Brad asked me to marry him we were on our way to BV to get married. March 9th Brad drove in from Nebraska to FoCo. My friend Nyssa flew in around 11 and we picked her up. It was snowing bad so we picked up Nyssa then instead of driving to BV we drove to CO Springs and stayed in Brad's aunt and uncle's empty house. The next morning we drove to BV, got there around 10 and by 5:30 that night it was our ceremony. We had the dinner and then turned around and drove back up to Denver and the next morning we flew to Myrtle Beach. Did I forget to mention that my parents were with us? It had originally been planned that this was supposed to be a spring break trip so it just turned into a honeymoon. After our week in Myrtle Beach, Brad went back to UNL and I went back to CSU. We finished out our school years and finally were able to live together! We had a huge reception that June! That summer we went to some marriage counceling since we didn't do premarital counceling. The pastor told us that we should have never gotten married. How rude! We proved him wrong!
I truly believe that the key to Brad and I's relationship is that we were friends first. Brad was and still is my best friend. I can't wait to share my thoughts with him and he is my first call for anything. We have had our ups and downs. There have been times I wondered why I got married and times that I couldn't be happier. We create some beautiful babies. My favorite thing about us is that we are able to laugh. We were talking about how our marriage has matured over the last six years. I look foward to spending the next fifty years with Brad and I will enjoy every adventure we go on.
Brad sums up our relationship in just three sentences. We met. We were friends. We got married. I myself prefer a little more detail....
The first time I remember seeing Brad was the summer of 1999. In the church kitchen I saw him talking to one of my girl friends. Brad and I both went to the same youth group so knew each other but weren't really friends. That fall we both went to the private school in our town. We became friends. My impressions of him were that he was smart, wore his pants too tight (he used to tuck his shirt in his tight pants :P), was kind, fun, nerdy, and a little bit cute. We hung out with the same group of people and I developed a crush on him although he was obviously taken by one of my friends. The next year of school his best friend told him that I liked him. He did not have any interest in me but we still were friends. He transfered schools and the next year I transfered to that same school. We became best friends. During that time Brad made it incredibly clear that we would never be anything more than friends. He explained that he didn't want to lost a best friend by dating. We have so many memories together through those four years.
I went to college and he even visited a few times. That spring his girlfriend broke up with him a few weeks before prom. He messaged me asking if I would want to go with him. Of course I said yes!! Even though I had fun, that was one of the worst nights in our history together. He was a complete jerk (he will tell you he was). That summer we hung out and something changed. Homecoming came around and he asked me to go with him. There wasn't anything said about liking one another and I was very unsure of where we stood. That January my friend Nyssa, Brad, and I went skiing. Brad and I were on the chair lift and it came up that we needed to figure out what was between us. He cowarded out and made me say my feelings first. I was scared because I didn't want to be rejected again. Finally I told him that I liked him and he told me that he felt the same way. He didn't want to start dating because he wanted to finish his senior year first. He with my parents to visit me in FoCo. He asked me to go to the Winter Formal with him. We went to the Coyote (a Mexican restaurant) with his best friend and girlfriend. Towards the end of dinner the waitress comes around and asks me if I want more water. I didn't even really look at her and said no. She kept pestering me and finally I look up. She is wearing a shirt with Brad and I's picture on it and it says "Will you go out with me?" On the back it has a box next to yes and no. I mark yes and since then he has been stuck with me!
Brad went to the University of Nebraska Lincoln. It was hard on our relationship to be so far apart. It was good for our communication. We almost broke up several times but still made it. One year and some bad choices later, my parents and I traveled to Lincoln. Febrary 18th Brad asked me to marry him. He remembered to include in his question my one requirement. He had to include the verse from the Song of Solomon. It says "your hair is like a flock of wild goats". This verse cracks me up every time. We had originally planned on getting married August of 2007 but because of our choices we got married in March. I think God thought I should eat some crow. I had always said that I would never get married in winter because I hate winter. Three weeks after Brad asked me to marry him we were on our way to BV to get married. March 9th Brad drove in from Nebraska to FoCo. My friend Nyssa flew in around 11 and we picked her up. It was snowing bad so we picked up Nyssa then instead of driving to BV we drove to CO Springs and stayed in Brad's aunt and uncle's empty house. The next morning we drove to BV, got there around 10 and by 5:30 that night it was our ceremony. We had the dinner and then turned around and drove back up to Denver and the next morning we flew to Myrtle Beach. Did I forget to mention that my parents were with us? It had originally been planned that this was supposed to be a spring break trip so it just turned into a honeymoon. After our week in Myrtle Beach, Brad went back to UNL and I went back to CSU. We finished out our school years and finally were able to live together! We had a huge reception that June! That summer we went to some marriage counceling since we didn't do premarital counceling. The pastor told us that we should have never gotten married. How rude! We proved him wrong!
I truly believe that the key to Brad and I's relationship is that we were friends first. Brad was and still is my best friend. I can't wait to share my thoughts with him and he is my first call for anything. We have had our ups and downs. There have been times I wondered why I got married and times that I couldn't be happier. We create some beautiful babies. My favorite thing about us is that we are able to laugh. We were talking about how our marriage has matured over the last six years. I look foward to spending the next fifty years with Brad and I will enjoy every adventure we go on.
Friday, March 2, 2012
Get Your Argue On
There are times that I thrive on arguing. Growing up I was famous for taking an opposite side just for the sake of arguing. I might not even agree with what I was arguing for, but I still did it. Now that I'm older, I do dig in my heels and stand firm when I believe I am right. I hate that feeling of losing an argument or running out of comebacks (which rarely happens:P). Even after the arguement or disagreement, I will mull over what is said and think of different ways I should have said things or a better defensive of my position. I will literally stay up at night thinking of these things. One of the hardest things for me is letting go of an argument/disagreement especially in the middle of one. Thankfully, I have a husband who will observe, then step in and tell me that it isn't worth it and stop me from continuing. He may totally agree with me or even tell me his comment back, but still he encourages me to just let it go. Usually I give him a nasty look and try to rebel, but in the end I know he is right.
My daughter is quite the little arguer herself. I have a way of dropping in maturity and arguing with her when we are in disagreement. I have even lowered myself so much that I stuck my tongue out at her. Yes, I am the mother and I did such actions. Oh dear...
Hopefully one of these days I will resist the temptation to even open my mouth or allow my hands to type when I see an argument brewing. It isn't worth it and most of the time you will not change the other person's mind.
My daughter is quite the little arguer herself. I have a way of dropping in maturity and arguing with her when we are in disagreement. I have even lowered myself so much that I stuck my tongue out at her. Yes, I am the mother and I did such actions. Oh dear...
Hopefully one of these days I will resist the temptation to even open my mouth or allow my hands to type when I see an argument brewing. It isn't worth it and most of the time you will not change the other person's mind.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
One year ago today....
At this moment one year ago today I remember my husband and mom trying their hardest to convince me to go to the hospital. One year ago today I was in labor to have my one-derful Matthew.
Let me back up. Matthew was due on Feb. 5th. I think that due dates are a load of crock so wasn't disappointed or suprised when no baby was here by then. In fact, I really wanted Matthew to be born on 2/9/11 (yes, I'm a total nerd and if you get why I will think about giving you some points). If not born on 2/9 then 2/13/11 was acceptable as well. My midwife made fun of me as she said she hadn't had anyone before want to be late. A few days past my due date one of the midwives said she wanted me to consider getting induced. I was irritated. My blood pressure was fantastic and I had no swelling but was gaining weight fine. Plus, when the midwife guessed the weight of the baby she guessed around 7/8 lbs so I said that the baby needed to gain some more weight...I didn't want no small baby :P I went to the midwife a week after my due date and was monitered. It showed the baby was doing great but they still wanted me to induce. I had total peace about the situation and said no. Plus anyone who knows me knows that hell would have to freeze over before I induced without a good reason. I told the midwife that day that I was going to have this baby naturally and it would not stay in me forever. To assure them, I said after 42 weeks I would consider being induced. My dad and I walked and walked and walked. My mom gave me foot rubs (which I hate). I swayed my hips and had lost my mucus plug, but still no baby.
I was supposed to have an appointment on 2/15 but cancelled it because I didn't want to fight with them about the induction and I was still feeling great and feeling the baby move. When I woke up in the morning I felt a little different and thought "this could be the day". I ate breakfast and told my mom I was feeling different. She was excited because she was positive that I was in labor. I was in denial because it didn't hurt at all. We went to story time and I called Brad to say that maybe I was in labor. After story time we went to Walmart and did some shopping. I still wasn't pain at all, just felt ackward. Anna and my mom went to take a nap. While they were napping a nurse from the midwives office called. This is when things changed. She had the odascity (sp?) to tell me that I was killing my baby for not getting induced. I told her that I thought I was in labor and when I explained how I was feeling she told me I was just having braxton hicks contractions. I told her that I wasn't going to the hospital til I was pretty far along and she told me that I didn't think of anyone but myself. I was beyond furious. Me killing my baby....who did she think she was? What did she have that would show I was killing my baby. Even now I am slamming the keys while I type. After that conversation my contractions developed a little more. However, they still weren't painful. I finally admitted that I was in labor. The contractions were all over the place as far as consistency. Brad got home at 5 and took Anna to Chick-fil-A. My mom and I walked a few times around my neighborhood. It was dark and finally around 8 Brad and my mom insisted that I pack a bag to go to the hospital. Brad called the midwife and left a message to call us back. I showered and braided my hair. I did not want to go to the hospital. I was convinced that it would be a terrible experience. Brad and my mom were getting pretty ansy that I wasn't at the hospital yet. I think it was hard because the contractions were not painful and I was feeling great. The midwife called back around 9 and heard how I was feeling and said she would feel better if I came in. I relented. I cried leaving my Anna behind. I had one contraction on the way to the hospital. We got to the hospital around 10. I was wheeled to admission and conversed with the desk ladies. I was so impressed as the nurse taking me to my room said, oh I will draw you a bath (which I didn't take her up on). Everyone was super friendly and I felt like I wasn't in labor at all :P I was chatting with my midwife as they were connecting me and reminded her that when went to the hospital with Anna I was 10 centimeters dialated. She checked me and laughed saying that I was at a 10 this time too! Her and my nurse, Rachel, were commenting that I should never share my labor story because I did not labor like a normal woman. I was laughing with them and it was just like an appointment. My midwife that night guessed the weight of the baby and guessed around 9 lbs. When I had Anna the midwife came and suggested breaking my water so I assumed that this midwife would do the same. We were there for an hour and I asked if they were going to break my water. My midwife, Gloria, broke my water. With Anna, barely any fluid came out, but with Matthew it felt like I was continously peeing :P After they broke my water my contractions started to get intense. I tried a few different positions, but felt best on my back. Rachel was an amazing nurse and was a totally blessing. Her voice was so calming and she was very encouraging. She helped get Matthew's head down and Gloria got ready for the big event. When Matthew's head was down one of the nurses said "I can see lots of blonde hair!". In my head I was thinking, "blonde hair...not my baby." I had hoped that in a few pushes baby would be out. I felt the urge to push and we started. Little did I know that this would be probably the hardest thing I have had to go through in my life. I pushed and pushed and pushed. I felt as though nothing was happening. I could feel tension building in the room. I was feeling defeated. Gloria hurriedly announced that I needed to turn on my side to help get baby out. I turned. She started to sound frantic as she talked with the nurses. It was so painful. I shouted out like one of those crazy pregnant women :P I told Brad that I couldn't do this anymore and with a raised voice he replied that I had to do this to get the baby out. Finally at 12:04 2/16/11 Matthew Robert Carr was pulled out into this world. I asked if they could change the time so he could be born on the 15th :P I had wanted both kids to be born on a Tuesday and one of my favorite numbers is 15, but Matthew style he came when he was ready. Brad had considered cutting the cord, but there was no opportunity. After Matthew came out, he was rushed over to the table. In the birthing process, his right clavicle was broken and he had several bruises and his head was swollen. Gloria came over to tell me that "he was alright". I had to digest the information she had given me as that was when I found out the sex of the baby. We found out that all estimations of his weight were off. Matthew was 10lbs 1.4 oz and 21.5" long. I had to work through feelings of failure as I felt I had not done my job well. Brad called the family and let them know Matthew was here. I confided in my mom that this was the worst pain ever. When my mom told Anna she had a baby brother she said "I really wanted a baby sister, but I will love a baby brother". Gloria informed us that there are a few births that you will always remember and ours was going to be one of them. Matthew had gotten stuck coming out and that was what was causing the commotion. Gloria told us that there are 10 steps to getting a baby out and she had only got to 3 or 4 before and with Matthew she had gotten to 9. Ten was shoving the baby back in and doing an emergency c-section. Our praise was that she had just gotten back from a mission trip teaching about the 10 steps. Another interesting thing was that Gloria was the first midwife I had seen and I had guessed that she was the one that would be delivering Matthew. Even the night of my labor I could see how positive my experience was. I am blessed that with both kiddos I can look back and be grateful for having a wonderful birthing process.
February 16th the midwife I had seen while getting monitered came to check on me. She laughed telling me that I had told her that I was going to have this baby naturally and I did. When our ped. came to check over Matthew he said the nurses were all talking about the fact that I had delivered a 10lb baby naturally. He said that checking over Matthew was like doing a 2 month check up! We had some great nurses during our visit but one really bad one. She was nice, but I don't think she did a good job at all. Because of his weight, Matthew had to pass three blood sugar test. He passed two before the nurse came and when she did the first one he failed. During the day she ended up poking him more than 7 times. He had to be on formula in hopes of getting things to turn out all right. She would have to poke him several times for one test. It was terrible. After her shift, he passed the very next test and the nurse said that the previous nurse had been using equipment that wasn't the best. That was hard. We were released on the 17th. I felt great and had only needed a few pills to help with the pain during my visit. I felt great right away.
I can not believe how fast time has gone. As I look at my baby today I can't be more thankful for him. He is an immense blessing to our family. I love his cuddles and his smile is infectious. Overall he is a happy baby and quite a ham. He is ornery and very determined. I love him so much and pray blessing over his life. I look foward to watching him grow up and hope that I can be the mother that he deserves.
Let me back up. Matthew was due on Feb. 5th. I think that due dates are a load of crock so wasn't disappointed or suprised when no baby was here by then. In fact, I really wanted Matthew to be born on 2/9/11 (yes, I'm a total nerd and if you get why I will think about giving you some points). If not born on 2/9 then 2/13/11 was acceptable as well. My midwife made fun of me as she said she hadn't had anyone before want to be late. A few days past my due date one of the midwives said she wanted me to consider getting induced. I was irritated. My blood pressure was fantastic and I had no swelling but was gaining weight fine. Plus, when the midwife guessed the weight of the baby she guessed around 7/8 lbs so I said that the baby needed to gain some more weight...I didn't want no small baby :P I went to the midwife a week after my due date and was monitered. It showed the baby was doing great but they still wanted me to induce. I had total peace about the situation and said no. Plus anyone who knows me knows that hell would have to freeze over before I induced without a good reason. I told the midwife that day that I was going to have this baby naturally and it would not stay in me forever. To assure them, I said after 42 weeks I would consider being induced. My dad and I walked and walked and walked. My mom gave me foot rubs (which I hate). I swayed my hips and had lost my mucus plug, but still no baby.
I was supposed to have an appointment on 2/15 but cancelled it because I didn't want to fight with them about the induction and I was still feeling great and feeling the baby move. When I woke up in the morning I felt a little different and thought "this could be the day". I ate breakfast and told my mom I was feeling different. She was excited because she was positive that I was in labor. I was in denial because it didn't hurt at all. We went to story time and I called Brad to say that maybe I was in labor. After story time we went to Walmart and did some shopping. I still wasn't pain at all, just felt ackward. Anna and my mom went to take a nap. While they were napping a nurse from the midwives office called. This is when things changed. She had the odascity (sp?) to tell me that I was killing my baby for not getting induced. I told her that I thought I was in labor and when I explained how I was feeling she told me I was just having braxton hicks contractions. I told her that I wasn't going to the hospital til I was pretty far along and she told me that I didn't think of anyone but myself. I was beyond furious. Me killing my baby....who did she think she was? What did she have that would show I was killing my baby. Even now I am slamming the keys while I type. After that conversation my contractions developed a little more. However, they still weren't painful. I finally admitted that I was in labor. The contractions were all over the place as far as consistency. Brad got home at 5 and took Anna to Chick-fil-A. My mom and I walked a few times around my neighborhood. It was dark and finally around 8 Brad and my mom insisted that I pack a bag to go to the hospital. Brad called the midwife and left a message to call us back. I showered and braided my hair. I did not want to go to the hospital. I was convinced that it would be a terrible experience. Brad and my mom were getting pretty ansy that I wasn't at the hospital yet. I think it was hard because the contractions were not painful and I was feeling great. The midwife called back around 9 and heard how I was feeling and said she would feel better if I came in. I relented. I cried leaving my Anna behind. I had one contraction on the way to the hospital. We got to the hospital around 10. I was wheeled to admission and conversed with the desk ladies. I was so impressed as the nurse taking me to my room said, oh I will draw you a bath (which I didn't take her up on). Everyone was super friendly and I felt like I wasn't in labor at all :P I was chatting with my midwife as they were connecting me and reminded her that when went to the hospital with Anna I was 10 centimeters dialated. She checked me and laughed saying that I was at a 10 this time too! Her and my nurse, Rachel, were commenting that I should never share my labor story because I did not labor like a normal woman. I was laughing with them and it was just like an appointment. My midwife that night guessed the weight of the baby and guessed around 9 lbs. When I had Anna the midwife came and suggested breaking my water so I assumed that this midwife would do the same. We were there for an hour and I asked if they were going to break my water. My midwife, Gloria, broke my water. With Anna, barely any fluid came out, but with Matthew it felt like I was continously peeing :P After they broke my water my contractions started to get intense. I tried a few different positions, but felt best on my back. Rachel was an amazing nurse and was a totally blessing. Her voice was so calming and she was very encouraging. She helped get Matthew's head down and Gloria got ready for the big event. When Matthew's head was down one of the nurses said "I can see lots of blonde hair!". In my head I was thinking, "blonde hair...not my baby." I had hoped that in a few pushes baby would be out. I felt the urge to push and we started. Little did I know that this would be probably the hardest thing I have had to go through in my life. I pushed and pushed and pushed. I felt as though nothing was happening. I could feel tension building in the room. I was feeling defeated. Gloria hurriedly announced that I needed to turn on my side to help get baby out. I turned. She started to sound frantic as she talked with the nurses. It was so painful. I shouted out like one of those crazy pregnant women :P I told Brad that I couldn't do this anymore and with a raised voice he replied that I had to do this to get the baby out. Finally at 12:04 2/16/11 Matthew Robert Carr was pulled out into this world. I asked if they could change the time so he could be born on the 15th :P I had wanted both kids to be born on a Tuesday and one of my favorite numbers is 15, but Matthew style he came when he was ready. Brad had considered cutting the cord, but there was no opportunity. After Matthew came out, he was rushed over to the table. In the birthing process, his right clavicle was broken and he had several bruises and his head was swollen. Gloria came over to tell me that "he was alright". I had to digest the information she had given me as that was when I found out the sex of the baby. We found out that all estimations of his weight were off. Matthew was 10lbs 1.4 oz and 21.5" long. I had to work through feelings of failure as I felt I had not done my job well. Brad called the family and let them know Matthew was here. I confided in my mom that this was the worst pain ever. When my mom told Anna she had a baby brother she said "I really wanted a baby sister, but I will love a baby brother". Gloria informed us that there are a few births that you will always remember and ours was going to be one of them. Matthew had gotten stuck coming out and that was what was causing the commotion. Gloria told us that there are 10 steps to getting a baby out and she had only got to 3 or 4 before and with Matthew she had gotten to 9. Ten was shoving the baby back in and doing an emergency c-section. Our praise was that she had just gotten back from a mission trip teaching about the 10 steps. Another interesting thing was that Gloria was the first midwife I had seen and I had guessed that she was the one that would be delivering Matthew. Even the night of my labor I could see how positive my experience was. I am blessed that with both kiddos I can look back and be grateful for having a wonderful birthing process.
February 16th the midwife I had seen while getting monitered came to check on me. She laughed telling me that I had told her that I was going to have this baby naturally and I did. When our ped. came to check over Matthew he said the nurses were all talking about the fact that I had delivered a 10lb baby naturally. He said that checking over Matthew was like doing a 2 month check up! We had some great nurses during our visit but one really bad one. She was nice, but I don't think she did a good job at all. Because of his weight, Matthew had to pass three blood sugar test. He passed two before the nurse came and when she did the first one he failed. During the day she ended up poking him more than 7 times. He had to be on formula in hopes of getting things to turn out all right. She would have to poke him several times for one test. It was terrible. After her shift, he passed the very next test and the nurse said that the previous nurse had been using equipment that wasn't the best. That was hard. We were released on the 17th. I felt great and had only needed a few pills to help with the pain during my visit. I felt great right away.
I can not believe how fast time has gone. As I look at my baby today I can't be more thankful for him. He is an immense blessing to our family. I love his cuddles and his smile is infectious. Overall he is a happy baby and quite a ham. He is ornery and very determined. I love him so much and pray blessing over his life. I look foward to watching him grow up and hope that I can be the mother that he deserves.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Siblings
A few mornings ago I was woken up by the sound of Matthew giggling in his bed. I hadn't heard him at all before then so wondered what was causing the pleasant sounds to come from his bedroom. Groggly, I stumble to his room and discover that Anna is in his room and had put a small box of toys in his bed and was talking to him. She had heard him whining and had gone in to entertain him. (may I say what a kind, responsible, mature little girl I have. She was letting me sleep and knew exactly what to give Matthew to make him happy!) Anna is a wonderful big sister and takes care of Matthew extremely well. She will try her best to watch out for him. She is elated with the littlest things he does. She does get irritated with him when he destroys a drawing or gets into what she was playing with, but loves to have him come in her room. They have a new form of entertaining each other. They play on her piano. She has taught him to sing in the microphone and shown him which buttons to push to make the piano play a song. She is the one who taught him how to push the balls down on his toys. She loves to read to him. In the mornings we snuggle in bed before we start our day. She almost always brings in a stuffed animal just for Matthew. They are funny as they will switch back and forth on the animals. Anna consistently informs us that she is going to take Matthew to live with her when she is older.
Matthew adores his big sister. He follows her around. Anna always gets the most kisses from him and he will race to her and give her hugs. Even when he was a few months old, if she wasn't around he would search for her. If I call for her in the mornings he stretches his neck til he sees her coming then gets excited and tries to run away so she will get him. When he is unhappy, I call for Anna to come and she can make him smile.
I was terribly worried about how my children would react to having a 4.5 year gap inbetween them. I was worried about them having a relationship with one another. My concerns were thrown out the window! It melts my heart to see them enjoy one another so much. Less than a handful of times in the last year have we seen Anna be jealous of the new addition. I pray that we are able to continue to foster a positive relationship between our children. I know that it won't be all joy as they grow up, but I hope that they will be friends. And honestly, I feel that a lot of that will depend on how Brad and I raise them. If we let them be mean to one another and treat each other without respect, then it will wedge them apart. It makes me sad to see families where the kids beat on each other and can't enjoy each other. So, here's to crossing our fingers to good success for Brad and I and here's a cheer that my children love one another!
Matthew adores his big sister. He follows her around. Anna always gets the most kisses from him and he will race to her and give her hugs. Even when he was a few months old, if she wasn't around he would search for her. If I call for her in the mornings he stretches his neck til he sees her coming then gets excited and tries to run away so she will get him. When he is unhappy, I call for Anna to come and she can make him smile.
I was terribly worried about how my children would react to having a 4.5 year gap inbetween them. I was worried about them having a relationship with one another. My concerns were thrown out the window! It melts my heart to see them enjoy one another so much. Less than a handful of times in the last year have we seen Anna be jealous of the new addition. I pray that we are able to continue to foster a positive relationship between our children. I know that it won't be all joy as they grow up, but I hope that they will be friends. And honestly, I feel that a lot of that will depend on how Brad and I raise them. If we let them be mean to one another and treat each other without respect, then it will wedge them apart. It makes me sad to see families where the kids beat on each other and can't enjoy each other. So, here's to crossing our fingers to good success for Brad and I and here's a cheer that my children love one another!
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